You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Love Is In The Air….Not So Much.

Love and hate is in the air, Kittens! The sun is out, the flowers are blooming and every one is shedding their winter parkas, getting down to date weight and kicking their over cooked relationships to the curb. Ouch! There are more feelers in the air than there are allergens and everyone seems to be kicking it into Spring cleaning mode just a little too early. Can’t we at least get a tan on Spring Break first? Have it your way, Kittens, let’s answer some hate mail and spread some butt hurt around the interwebs. But I warn you… you’re gonna get your feelers hurt.

My boyfriend is starting to lose his hair right up front. Should I bring it up and offer to help him?

Is your goal to be single? Then yes. If you love this dude and care about his ego and feelers, then no. Hell no! Do you seriously  think he doesn’t obsess over that already? You can bet while he is staring at his hairline in the bathroom mirror that he is also cursing his over use of his college baseball cap and his bad deal from the gene pool. He is also  considering selling a kidney to get a platinum membership to  Hair Club for Men. How would you feel if he let you know that your posterior  has hail damage, your boobs are sagging or your lady area isn’t what it used to be? These are all things you would be acutely aware of already, things you hope no one else on the planet will notice. If he so much as hinted at these issues to you- you would no doubt spin into a tornado of hate, vinegar and claws. If he ever brings up his hair (BIG IF) then be cool about it, let him know he is still the sexy beast you fell for, that you hadn’t noticed but if he feels like taking some sort of action that you will support him and keep that little secret to yourself. BAM! Instant best girlfriend ever.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and we have two children. We have not been intimate in over a year and I attributed it to kids, work, schedules, etc.  Recently I discovered that she has been looking at singles groups, messaging with men and even texting them.  She won’t be intimate with me yet she can talk to a strangers like this? Do I consider us done and move on?

Tell your wife that you have seen her activity but refrain from being angry, making threats,  etc. Let her know you love her and that her behavior hurts you, makes you sad and makes you feel rejected. Let her know it chips away your trust and that it is unacceptable to you for your partner to have steamy interweb chats much less cruising single’s sites. Let her know you would like to rebuild your relationship and step one is that she must stop the emotional cheating… because that is what she is doing. She is seeking,  and getting , special places and intimate feeling attention from someone other than the one she promised to share that part of her with. Cruising a dating site , and then communicating with people on that site, is unacceptable for anyone in a committed relationship. Period. If she says no to stopping her behavior, hedges in anyway or tries to tell you it’s harmless fun- then she has chosen to ignore your feelings and you must decide for yourself if you can live with it or if you need to move on. Life is too short to love like that.

My daughter is getting married for the second time. She wants another traditional wedding, white dress and all! She already has children and wants them IN the wedding! I think a low-key affair would be best and also in good taste. 

I don’t know who your daughter’s Maid of Honor is- but I hope she reads this then sits you down and tells you, “It’s not your wedding! It’s not your wedding! It’s not your wedding!”. Is there a law somewhere that says she can’t have a white dress? Are you afraid she will dirty it up? I really, REALLY, hope you don’t say these feelings out loud to her. Because they really smack of you judging her, that maybe you think she is less than pure and worthy and maybe a tad bit of jealousy. Is it possible that her Groom To Be makes her feel shiny and new? Maybe she has found “Her Person” and wants to celebrate big and make sure her babies feel loved, accepted and included by his family. Or maybe this is just her preference. Whatever her reasons are, she is your daughter, and you need to smile, be happy, support her, cry over her fantasy dress when you see her in it and protect her from nasty comments like the ones you just made.  PS It’s not your wedding.

Am I wrong , Kittens? Sound off below!

You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Debuts in a Magazine!

Kittens, I am now writing a monthly advice column in a slick fancy magazine! Look at us be fabulous! Here’s a little tease…. but you’ll have to click the link below to see what I tell a couple of woe is me Valentine love birds!

Ahhh, Valentine’s Day. With all of its romance, sexy expectations, overcrowded restaurants and scratchy lingerie… what’s not to like? I say everything. Just from the questions this week – it’s pretty clear most of you don’t really look forward to 2/14 as much as you do to 2/15 or whatever date you have a colonoscopy scheduled. Let’s dive right into your questions- I promise I won’t be gentle….

Click here to read the Q;s & A’s in my debut column in Austin Fusion Magazine!

Can’t wait to hear what you think!

You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Road Less Traveled Called Do Yourself A Favor

 We covered the lies, sex, “just friends” and when to call bullshit on the word “safe”. If you missed all of that- go here: http://wp.me/p1VQXo-qk to catch up. Now we need to dig into the really important things like your kids, your dignity and your sanity. There is more than a partnership at stake when someone cheats- your entire skyscraper of hopes and dreams will crash down and take out your structure and foundation with it. Possibly anything that happens to be standing too close. Whatever is left standing- you might have to light the match yourself to  scorch the earth so you can grow again. Hopefully faster, stronger, smarter and carefully pieced back together. A  bull just smashed the china store and all you have are some tweezers and band aids to put the shards called your life back together again. That’s all the whining you get to do because you have some serious business to attend to. Get out your Preparation H- because you’re about to get a big serving of butthurt and hurt feelers. I refuse to lie to you, pat you on the head and tell you it will all be ok. Because it won’t. Especially if you backtrack and let that loser stick around.

“I love him and I want to work it out”, you rationalize… or try to anyway. Are you trying to go insane? Because this is all you will think about when he is out: are they having fun, are they having wild monkey sex right now and is he coming home. Did you notice I left out “if”? Because “if” doesn’t live at your house anymore. No more chats with your BFF’s about “if” he ever did that I would kill him. “If” has turned into the very scary monster we call “when”. He will do it again- guaranteed. You’re going to lose your mind and what’s left of your dignity if you are willing to lay on the floor and be walked on. For the record- you may love him- but he does not love you. That is worth repeating. He. Does. Not . Love . You. Back. No one that loves you would hurt you to the core and leave you a wrecked mess of tears, snot and incinerated happily ever after fairy tales. No one that loves you would use you, lie to you, disregard you and expect you to lay down and take it. Nope.  And that leaves you in charge of loving you. So do yourself, and the people who really do care about you, a favor and love yourself enough to kick his sorry ass out or you pack your shit and go. Someone has to leave- make sure you decide who. The “when” is right fucking now, friend, as soon as you know about it and verify your available funds are in your bank account- he is without you to fall back on. His Plan B just changed the locks and she is  moving on.

“But we have kids”, you say? You are the parent who truly cares. You are not the one that stepped out on your family and flipped them the bird on the way out, correct? So you get to be both parents now and set the example of no cheating, no lies and no tolerance. That’s it. Does it suck monkey balls? Yes, indeed it does. Your kids are going to act out, they may even dislike you and not understand what just happened.  Depending on their age- they may not for a while. They will, however, eventually understand that no one screws over their mommy and that you will stand your ground, protect your family and kick the ass of whomever dare cross your moral line in the sand. This lesson is crucial to kids: boys see how not to treat a woman and girls see that they don’t have to take excuses and cheating- and vice versa is the cheater roles are reversed. You and the kids will be just fine thankyouverymuch because you won’t have that voice in your head nagging and distracting you from being the parent, leader and example you signed up to be to them.

“We have to keep this quiet because he works with her and we don’t want him to get fired”. Here’s how you handle this- it’s hard to do at  first but by the time you hang up the line, or burn rubber out of a parking lot, I guarantee you are going to feel like a million shiny new diamonds. He will do what I am about to tell you to insist on because he wants to keep his job, his reputation and not have a loser bomb explode all over him. He also is banking on keeping you and the sky is the limit when it comes to demands he must meet. You’re not staying- but he doesn’t need to know that right now. All he needs to know- is that you need some piece of mind so you can focus. He thinks it’s focusing on your marriage- you are really buying time to focus on gathering financial information, lining up your legal team and making your new life plans. Here’s the play book : Get him and her on the phone or in a neutral place with lots of people. Here’s what you say with no emotion, a hint of bat shit crazy in your eyes and an I-will -follow- through -so- just- try- me- attitude.  Your goal is to make them very confused about your current mental state: you either need anger management or you truly are a bad ass.

To Him: “You are going to go to your boss and ask to be moved far away from the Slut here and removed from any common projects AND you are going to look for another job. You will do this by (insert date) or I will do it for you”.

To Her: “You are going to stay far , far away from my family. If I see, hear, smell or even think you are in ANY  way involved with my husband- I will have your job, your home, your reputation, your 401K and your bank account by evoking a legal manuever called “alienation of affection”. Look it up. Outside of your money , I will personally beat your ass if you dare to step one foot near my home, friends or family. I will destroy you both”.

Now sit there through a very awkward few minutes of silence while watching them soak that in. What you just told them is: you have done your legal homework, you have nothing left to lose and you intend to go nuclear at any given moment. Now they can go tell on themselves and whatever happens- they deserve it. Get up, get your purse, and ask if anyone needs clarification. No? Excellent, now calmly leave or hang up.

“It was just one time”. Yep, and so was my ability to trust you. End of story.

“God said till death do us part”. Here is where a whole bunch of you are going to hate me. Like really hate me. Because I am about to  shake your foundation  – and take away the very last thing you are maybe grasping to. If your God demands that you remain locked in a marriage to a person who has zero regard for your health, well-being and safety- then your cheater isn’t the only thing you need to be divorcing. M’kay? Seriously. A relationship is a two-way road. You can not be in one by yourself. Period. No one should feel obligated to stand and take multiple punches to the throat. Because that’s what it feels like when you discover your one and only has slut on his hands. I literally threw up, went to my closet, closed the door and crumbled to the floor. I could not breathe, I could not think and I discovered what is feels like to not feel. Someone had died . That person I thought I married. That person I thought I knew would never ever do this. He was dead and I was left with the shell of him with a stranger stuffed inside. I died a little that day, too, and I still had the very nasty task ahead of me of telling my daughter what happened and what was next. Don’t even kid yourself that you can recover your marriage or relationship. You will always wonder and never be able to resume trust, intimacy and that easy feeling you had. Every time he is out too long- BAM- throat punch sends you reeling to the floor and gasping for hope and air. No one deserves that life and no one should be expected to live it- regardless of whatever book says you should be a martyr and accept those terms. There’s nothing down there on the floor for you- so don’t sign an extension of your broken ’till death do us part  agreement. Get up, brush the cheater off of you and get going to your new life.  It will take baby steps- but I promise you will be running in your LBD at date weight before you know it. Then looking back from the mirror will be new you: holding her head high and being able to withstand the next hurricane without going to her knees.

You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: It’s Called The Road Less Traveled For A Reason

 I have a  ton of emails and messages asking me how to treat a cheater. He/she cheated with my/ their: coworker,  sister, brother, BFF, boss,  ex (es), neighbor,  assistant,  pastor and so on. Should I take them back, try harder, lose weight, become a hooker, revenge cheat, insist on counseling, burn the house down, burn them up or just get the hell out? The short answer is yes. And no. So my suggestion to you , my dear sweet Kittens, is to pour yourself a drink, strap yourself into your big girl panties and take your chances with what I have to say about this subject. While you read, try to remember where you put your spine because  you’ll need more than a tissue to get through tonight. It’s gonna get ugly, I promise I won’t be gentle and if they aren’t already- you’re gonna get your feelers hurt. Staying put with a cheater  is solidly on the road less traveled for a reason: because it’s hard and rarely works out. And stupid.

As an aside- I shall refer to the cheater as “he” going forward because  English rules state that we should always default to the male pronoun. And I am too lazy to keep typing he/she/them. And most cheaters are “hims”. Pretty sure that’s all correct.

Yes, I just said that. I said staying with someone who intentionally hurts you  in one of the deepest, most personal and painful ways is dumb. It’s reckless for you, your health, your career and your family. Have you no sense of self-preservation? If someone rolled you in blood and guts then pushed you off of a boat into shark infested waters- would you take them to counseling to figure out why they did it? So they could do it again- but in a better sneakier way next time? No. You would hopefully survive and then get back on the boat and give them the ass kicking of their lives, tie the anchor to them and toss them into the water never to be seen again. “Oh, but I LOVE THEM!”, you say. That’s awesome, but it doesn’t really matter since they don’t love you back. Ouch.

“I’m sooooo sorry”, he said with tears in his eyes while trembling and grasping at the wedding ring that was just launched at his  head . Charming , heh? He’s on his knees, begging you to stay, saying all sorts of beautiful things he hasn’t said since before you said ‘forever only you’ to each other. Snot running down his face, red rimming his eyes from the thought of losing  you, the kids, his car.  Wait, what? The car? Really? Yes, really. He is not sorry he hurt you, tossed out your vows, broke your trust, wrecked your family and ripped your heart out. Nope. He is sorry he got caught. You have to understand that “I’m sorry” is for accidents. Like breaking your favorite coffee cup, forgetting the wine at the grocery or dropping the kid on it’s head.  Cheating doesn’t happen by accident. He didn’t accidentally slip and land with his penis in his secretary. Just for argument’s sake,  let’s just say he did slip and by chance landed on her doggie style and his weenus just sorta fell in. Why the hell were they naked?  Together. Cheating takes careful planning, deliberate communication and constant deceit. Every minute your cheater is with you  he is lying to you. He is taking away your soft place to fall , your security, your naked sexy time and quite possibly your financial resources to buy her dinner and presents.  He’s out. Period. There are no take backs in cheating. He chose her by lying and sneaking around. He chose to be with her and lose everything he had with you, including his car, and he walked out. He just didn’t take his stuff. Honey you’ve just been reduced to his maid and storage shed. So be a good little wife/girlfriend and throw his shit out onto the lawn and turn on the sprinklers. No reason not to be helpful and wash his laundry one last time. Maybe lighten his load by cutting one arm and one leg off of everything. I may have done that once. It was therapeutic. It burns shit to the ground so there is no going back. And smart kittens don’t go back. Ever.

 “We didn’t have sex, we just talked”. And texted, Skyped, had lunch, dinner and coffee. Oh really, so why didn’t he invite you? If it was nothing and she’s just a friend then why haven’t you met her? Why all of the secrets? The courtesy rule is this: if your one and only has an opposite sex friend- then you are included, invited and in the know about their goings on. There is nothing to hide, conceal or exclude you from. Here’s a tip for you on the brink cheaters: if you find yourself deleting texts, clearing browser history and returning calls from your “just friend” from the toilet- you are now entering Cheaterville.  My ex cheated on me and this is why I  first  suspected his lying no good sorry cheating ass. The several calls a day I received from him to say hi, share a stupid story about work or ask about dinner stopped. So did the texts. Before I knew it, he had nothing to talk about to me when he got home. Late. You know why? He already shared it all with someone else- there was nothing left for me at the end of the day. Red flag. Big. Red. Flag. This is cheating. Possibly the most hurtful to a woman. He took the emotional equity of our relationship and handed it to someone else- leaving me with nothing but a lonely house and a very broken heart. It didn’t matter if they didn’t have sex because he gave the truly intimate sharing of our marriage to someone else. The inside jokes, pillow talk and random sharing of daily stupidity is the glue that binds you together- the common ground you can always find when the going gets tough. The “do you remember whens” that make you snort your coffee over breakfast. That is the good stuff and when you lose it- it’s gone forever. That level of intimacy is built up over time, the ability to trust your other half enough to say , “hey I just sharted on myself” and shared experiences are priceless. When that is all betrayed – there is nowhere to go but out the door and down the road to a life called single.

“We were safe”. I’m sorry, this person just cheated on you and now you want to believe he actually used a condom? You can ponder that pile of bullshit on your way to get your STD panel  at your Gynos. Seriously. Do not wait. Get it all done today and then again in three months. It’s bad enough you just had your life go nuclear- don’t also die in the process.  You. Could. Die. I am personally watching a loved one suffer through AIDS because her partner cheated on her. He died years ago. She is alive and dying. Alone. Let’s face it- the cold hard truth is that your future partner options are extremely limited if you have to disclose that you have HPV, Herpes, Hepatitis or HIV. If the cheating isn’t enough to make you kick some lying, heartless, selfish sorry excuse for a human being to the curb- then this should be. He risked your future, your fertility,  your health and your life. No take backs in that department either. No tolerance. No redos.

Tomorrow we will cover: retaining your dignity and sanity, the perils of counseling, the kids, hiding the dirty laundry and playing hide the sausage with the boss….

You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Best Friends Fornever & Monster In Laws

Question: My best [guy] friend dumped his girlfriend a few weeks ago, and she’s in our circle of mutual friends. However, she’s been acting cray-cray lately and has been all butthurt when our friends hang out with him (even though they split time pretty evenly). This results in a myriad passive aggressive text messages from her. Anyway, he scored a sweet cabin up in the mountains for a few days and invited everybody except for her (obviously). The ex’s roommate is among those invited and wants to go, but doesn’t like lying to the ex about her spring break plans and insists that my guy friend breaks the news to his ex. Since it’s none of her damn business, should he even tell his ex about this trip? Or if he does, how does he clearly get the message across that he’s having people over to his cabin and she’s definitely not invited without being a total asshole (being a little bit of an asshole is probably acceptable)?

I hope you have your big girl panties and some wet wipes handy because I think you are not going to like my perspective. First, is this guy-friend  twelve??? Seriously, if he is old enough to A) have a girlfriend B) see her special places and C) rent a cabin then he should have the ball sack to make a courtesy call to say, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know I have invited some of our mutual friends to a Spring Break thing. I know you may feel left out and I wanted to tell you so you don’t get caught off guard”. He did actually care about her feelings at one point, correct? He doesn’t have to tell her it’s a fabulous cabin, how much fun you plan to have and that you left her passive-aggressive self out to avoid the drama from dampening your fun. How hard is that? It’s not…unless he has no spine. It is her business, because you all are BFF’s , yes? Last time I checked, that last “F” did not stand for “fornever” or “fuck you when you’re down and out”. You are all in the same group, having fun, etc., etc. and one of you needs to man up and take care of your friend just a little. We are all guilty of a little passive-aggressive post breakup loony tune time and your friend deserves maybe a little margin of error? You are all in the same circle, granted some may be closer to her than others, but how about a little compassion for her…it’s a 30 second courtesy call. If at least one of you can’t, then you all need a come to Jesus meeting to hold each other accountable to acting like human beings.

I am going to tell you exactly what I would say to my 19-year-old daughter , actually,  I have said this to her. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were this  “friend”…all extra crispy from a break up AND have your feelers hurt AND the circle of BFF’s are on high drama alert AND engaging in a little elementary gym class picking sides BS AND one of them thinks that being a little bit of an asshole to you is acceptable AND then  you look up and have no one to hang with on Spring Break because they all snuck away and no one had enough personal dignity or heart to give you a heads up. That would freaking suck.  Then I would advise her to spend her time on Spring Break to find a  better circle of BFF’s. The kind that subscribe to that last “F” representing “forever” through thick and thin.

Question: My mother in law is insane and over steps boundaries ALL OF THE TIME. My husband refuses to say anything to her so he doesn’t rock the family boat. Which make events at  our house unbearable; not to mention her interfering with how we raise our children. Ok, how I raise our children since my husband is hands off. I am so close to divorcing them all.

I’ll go ahead and break the bad news to you right up front…divorce or no- that hag is always going to be in your life since you have kidlets. Period. Sorry, have a drink and a cry and let’s get down to the business of kicking your husband in the motivation in an attempt to shock him into growing a spine. His mother- his job to tell her to step off. Period. I suspect you know that already since you have noted that he won’t act. Fine then, looks like you get to be the man of the house, too.

Here’s what you do. Invite them both to lunch and after your order is in (to prevent your captives from jumping ship) lovingly hold your husband’s hand and make sure you are all cuddled up to him. Then say this, ”  Things need to change going forward”. Notice I didn’t say tell them how you feel. There will be no ‘my feelers are hurt’, ‘you really upset me’, no tears, no whining none of that get- you -nowhere -give-up- your- power- time waisting. Got it? You are going to say, “We have some miscommunications I am going to clear up. When it comes to our home- I am the head bitch in charge (ok, you can say you’re THE mom of the house). When it comes to our children, we have rules in place that go with the children and they  do not change based on who is looking after them”,  then list your top three grievances in a short concise way. JUST THREE. You are there to win the war- not the battles. Then let her know that under no circumstances will anyone continue to undermine your parenting, your household or  your marriage. Then turn to him and say, “Isn’t that right, Dear?”. He will have to say yes because you have that bastard’s hand in yours , you are squeezing it very hard  and you are dangerously within wenis stabbing distance with a fork. You need to be smiling like a lunatic at this point and then roll right into your Easter plans and how much fun everyone is looking forward to having. When the bill arrives, you pay to enforce your position of power and to send the subliminal message that they owe you.  If either of them screw up after that- then they don’t give a flying duck about your position of Queen Bee  of your family and maybe he should move home and live in his Mommy’s basement. You have children to raise and did not sign up for raising a mangina. Period. As a side note: vibrators don’t talk back or have mothers.

Have a problem and you want an honest, straight forward answer?

Write me at: cat (at) honeybadgerpress (dot) com

I promise to not be gentle