Serially Lost: Sink I Shall

10 Apr

imagessinkingI abandoned ship. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that it occurred to me that I, the Captain, leapt overboard first. Ooops.  I don’t consider those left aboard as murders; but as compassionate euthanasias. I had to go. I had to go unencumbered by obligation and it had to be right at that moment. It wasn’t a hair on fire moment leading me to act with negligence and without thought. It was a quiet internal swell whispering, “a storm is coming and we need to decide if  this is really how we want to go on…swirling about in a very unfriendly shit storm”.  With giant waves of change crashing into my ship and threatening my sails, my only hope was to precisely and immediately sever my tightly knotted moorings to  texting,  Facebook and  artificial friends. Too many obligations, too many fingers pointing, too many friends that existed only in my phone. Too many stagnant people and a growing carnal longing for real life friends that occasionally show up on my front porch with news (or wine) to share. And dare I dream for real life conversations with said friends in place of lackadaisical  texts? Sink or swim. So I dove in head first weighted down by task lists, obligations and a smart phone. Sink I shall, knowing I would eventually float to the surface.

It is so easy to lose your self in the day to day, stay so busy that you can’t remember what you had for lunch and quite literally not recognize yourself at the end of the day…and I don’t even have small children, a commute or a stressful life to add to the burden! I also don’t have the pressure to be perfect, the obligation to hang onto to things that have lost their use and relationships that have run their course. Anymore. I left all of that baggage at the bottom when I hit it.  Generally the phrase ‘hit bottom’ brings forth all sorts of dark and delusional speculation. Was it a drug, too much wine, a divorce or something more salacious that drove the sinking. It was none of the above. What it was, what it is, can be described as luxuriously fantastic.  I needed to be liberated and only I could be responsible for my freedom. With no warning, no obligation to closure or explanation; I cut bait and freed myself.

I last wrote here on 7/4/13…the fourth of July. I think the title of the post was “Freedom Isn’t Free” and it was prophetic. It certainly isn’t free nor is it without focused effort and the acceptance that there will be collateral damage. I accepted all of those tolls  because floating back to the surface required losing the weights. The beautiful gifts of coming to the surface are new relationships, experiences and fresh life. And those things are well worth the dive!

If you want to know what I have been up to the last couple of years, here it all is and I think you might be surprised by what I am doing these days : http://www.linkedin.com/in/acatcolson

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4 Responses to “Serially Lost: Sink I Shall”

  1. tacticalladydoc April 28, 2015 at 7:34 AM #

    Well my dear I am impressed! I was an avid reader while I was stationed in the “big sandbox”. I wondered what the heck happened to you! I am pleased to see you back on the radar, all be it in a different form. You always seem to give me humor and strength when I needed it the most!
    I must admit I went through somewhat of the morph myself in 2011. I was knee deep in a successful career, but I felt frustrated and without purpose in life. So what does every woman do when she gets to that point in life? Well she goes out and gets a job providing tactical medical support in Iraq of course!
    The look on my husbands’ face was indescribable! Picture a man standing in front of a charging tiger, not sure if he should scream, run or just pee his pants. I was pretty sure he wanted to protest this new idea of mine, but he also knew our tenuous relationship status meant he had better tread very lightly. So he stood there and took it like a trooper (although I am sure he still peed a little).
    After arriving in Iraq, I was introduced to my team. Each encampment had a different call sign, Shark Team, Raven Team, and so on. All animal names. I have no idea why, but it always made me laugh that some of the names did not exactly instill fear. They might as well be called the “Chihuahuas”. They were always joking about honey badger though. I thought “how tough can something with the name honey in it be?” Needless to say I googled the little critter one day (looking for new joke material of course) and somehow or another came across your blog. Little did I know at that moment that I would gain so much more from your blog than just amusement.
    I had always considered myself a strong person, but having lost some of my direction in life, you brought back the snarky, cast-iron-bitch I had lost (and missed oh so terribly). Which was exactly what I needed to keep those crazy bastards I worked with in line!…But you also gave me a taste of my old world, the world with wonderful glittery fund raisers, luscious dinners and beautiful shoes… Somehow the combat boots weren’t cutting it for me.
    Awash in the shock of my decision, my friends and family asked that I start a blog. They wanted to follow the wacky exploits of this crazy bitch. So I started writing, I thought ‘how hard can this be’… well color me shocked! It was the hardest thing I had ever done! The more I read your blog, the more my timid kitten side came out. Holly crap this snarky lady was humbled! GREATLY! Plus writing in a such a way to not reveal any info that could compromise myself or my crew eventually proved to be too taxing to continue. I will say I miss it, as it was therapeutic at times. Putting pen to paper (metaphorically) is like writing in your 7th grade diary, it is exciting to share the events of the day with those pearly white pages, pages never judge. The scary part is that the diary is published…daily…for all the world to see, and read and JUDGE! Whew scary stuff, better bring the hip waders and tough skin for the one.
    I will tell you from (personal experience) that being a female in a male dominated industry has its challenges, however it is worth every bit of the effort you put into it. I am very pleased to see your new venture and the obvious pleasure that it brings you! The Honey Badger has morphed into the next phase of her life and I love it!
    I send you warm wishes today from a drilling platform under tow off the coast of South America. I still travel the world for crazy assignments, and the nervous husband is still nervous and still VERY supportive. As for my blog, I started up again last week…. We will see if I improve 😉
    As for your NRA naysayers I quote from To Wong Foo: “Your approval is not needed. Approval neither desired nor required.”

    Keep up the amazing work kitten 😉

    ~Tactical Lady Doc~ Card-carrying NRA member (…and that’s not the only thing I carry… this kitten roars)

    • Honey Badger Press May 8, 2015 at 2:21 PM #

      Whoa! Color you braver than me! Glad you are well and still reading! I carry a 9mm and a .45….just in case 🙂

  2. dflylover April 18, 2015 at 10:08 PM #

    I haven’t blogged hardly at all the past couple of years. Working full-time and caring for a toddler take most of my time and all of my energy. I was eager to see what you have been up to. I am sad to say that I will not be reading anything else from you. The NRA? Really?

    • Honey Badger Press April 22, 2015 at 10:42 AM #

      Good luck to you! You absolutely have the freedom to not like the NRA. I don’t agree with everything they do and represent but I absolutely will not apologize for training women to protect themselves with a gun or without a gun by teaching the Refuse To Be A Victim class. Like you, and every other woman, I am made up of many parts. If you choose to judge me based on one piece of me, that’s your call. That’s not how I roll.

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