Middle School Dodge Ball Strikes Again

16 Feb

Finally, after 2.5 years of blogging, I get tagged.  A good game of blog tag is much like a middle school game of dodge ball: only the cool kids get to play, if you get picked you best be awesome (and fast) and the game will end with black eyes and bruised feelers. I must tell you that Dribbles & Grits tagged me then calmly let me know that if I break the blog chain of tagging- that my cat will fall into a juicer and the world could possibly end. No pressure. The point of the game is to answer all sorts of  personal questions in the hopes that you will get to know me and maybe I can sit at the mean girls table. I love mean girls… love to punch them. KIDDING! Sorta.

Where were you born?

If I tell you this, then you could steal my identity. But then the joke would be on you because someone already did that…twice. This is why you won’t be able to buy a Cadillac in my name, nor can I. My credit is on lock down and no way would you ever guess the super secret unlock password. So I will give you this- I was born in the North but because I love my  Texas residency more than my credit- I can not tell you in which Yankee state. However, I moved to Texas when I was 2… or 4 … I can’t remember last year much less when I got here.  I consider Austin, Texas my adoptive birth place. My birth state can suck balls… she never sends me birthday cards anyway.

Were you named after someone?

Rumor has it that I was named after an Aunt, but my name is spelled differently. That’s ok because I don’t go by my first name anyway. I go by my stripper name. Better stories attached to tit. I mean “it”….

If you have children, how many do you have?

I have one. She is 20 and her name is The Girl. I couldn’t have any more after she was born. That shit hurt too much.

How many pets do you have?

Rebel Rabbit & Stir Fry

Rebel Rabbit & Stir Fry

Ten. Six are actually ours. The Man came with China. She was a mean little tri color Rat Terrier that he rescued from the pound. They were going to kill her because she was abused and

This is how the hobos thank me.

This is how the hobos thank me.

not friendly. By “not friendly” I mean she makes Mike Tyson seem friendly. He signed a waiver in order to adopt her and save her life. She passed away last month- after an exclusive 14 year romance with The Man. Only he could touch her AND keep his fingers. She still counts in our house. I came to the marriage with Rebel Rabbit- he was going to be euthanized as a kitten because he always threw up his food and had a deformed back. He is a black and white Manx and is almost three- he  is every bit Rebel and rabbit. And gay. Lola  strayed into our yard last summer. She was starving, had puppies and was dumped  in our neighborhood… sans the puppies. We took her in with the intention to get her well and re home her (you will soon notice a trend with our ability to re-home… we ARE the re-home).  I took her to the vet to get her fixed and they asked me what kind of dog she is. I said I don’t know… a Lab I think. The lady looks over the counter and says, “you mean a pit bull?”… yeah that’s what I said lady… a LabraBull. Duh!  We adopted Lola’s mini me from the pound- Trixie was thrown out of a car window and the lady that works at the pound just happened to be behind the car. Trixie is a little black and white Fox Terrier and every bit a neurotic co dependent stalker. We’re betting that’s why she was tossed out of the car. Dexter is a three pound brindle Chihuahua. If you ask him- he is a 250 pound, very fierce, big balling  pit bull. He and The Man have a near illegal bro-mance going on. He was abandoned at a camp ground…we took him in to get him healthy and re-home him…. two years ago. The last to join our home is Stir Fry. She was a cute little starving kitten that started hanging around so we decided to bring her in. As it turns out- she is the coolest cat ever… part cat, part spider monkey and part pirate parrot. She uses her dew claws as thumbs, can open Tupper Ware, likes to ride around on my shoulder and can mimic any bird she hears. Then there are four stray cats that come in, eat our food, let us take them to the vet and then go back outside. Essentially, they are our ungrateful teenagers, only coming home when they want food or need medical attention. Assholes.

What was your worst injury?

One day I decided to be athletic and went to play soccer with The Girl and my ex. I decided to leap up in the air and shoot the ball into the goal all Pele style. It was awesome until gravity yanked my me down to reality. For that big dreams day I received a broken wrist and fractured ankle. My athletic career  started and tragically ended in a span of five minutes. My ego is still in need of physical therapy.

Do you have a special talent?

I can write with both hands, touch my tongue to my nose and I am crazy good at Words With Friends. I can run like a sloth in six inch heels, skate backwards and out drink most men. No hang overs either, it’s a gift from the Gods I tell you!

What’s your favorite thing to bake?

Cupcakes, yo!

I made these! Yummy.

I made these! Yummy.

What’s your favorite fast food?

Sonic. But not for their food- it tastes and looks like plastic. I love, love their fountain drinks and chopped ice. And their ice cream. If I have to eat fast food- that would be McDonald’s french fries. I don’t know what kind of tasty good crack they sprinkle on them but they are the bomb! Cholesterol bomb- but yummy just the same.

 Would you bungee jump?

Oh hell to the no. Are you kidding me? First- there is a math equation involved- I am very, very bad at math. My weight x velocity/ distance to the concussion at the end of the fall. No way. I am way too top-heavy and die 100 times on the way down. Hell. No. Not even if there was a pile of size 10 mega designer shoes waiting for me at the bottom.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their shoes. You can tell everything you need to know by their shoes.

When was the last time you cried?

This morning when I stepped on the scale. Then I went to Sonic and got an orange cream slush. All better now!

Any current worries?

Yes. I had a shaving accident on my girly pieces two months ago. Now I have a bald patch…it will not grow back.

Name 3 drinks you drink regularly

Sutter Home’s Sweet Red Wine, sweet tea and decaf coffee. All of these happen daily. Some more than others.

What is your favorite book?

George Orwell’s 1984. Read it people. You will freak  out when you see the similarities to today. Mary Pipher’s “Reviving Ophelia”. If you are raising a daughter you better read this book. Your eyes will be wide open and you will have an awesome daughter-mom relationship. Currently- I am stuck on anything David McCullough. He has a tremendous series on historical events. … lots of American History. Tidbits we should all know but no one teaches anymore. The Man gave me all of his books for Christmas… I just finished the one about the Brooklyn Bridge. 

Would you like to be a pirate?

No way… have you ever smelled a pirate or seen their teeth? They all seem to be missing an eye, leg or arm. Not that there’s anything wrong with that … but I prefer good hygiene and my parts in pairs.

What are your favorite smells?

Vanilla, cherry and fresh out of the drier laundry. My go to perfumes are Chanel No. 5 and Calvin Klein’s Euphoria. I love the way The Man smells and I can’t be around The Girl without sniffing her hair.

Why do you blog?

I have pent up anger and excitement issues and I like to think that I am voice for others that can’t or won’t say what they need to. It’s my mountaintop to scream from.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

I’m not having a funeral. I think they are a big fat money grab and I don’t want The Man and The Girl to have to plan such a thing. Give me flowers while I am alive to enjoy them, talk to me while I can still hear you and respond and travel to see me while I am still above ground. Speaking of above ground… don’t bury me either- that’s a butt ton of money The Girl can use for whatever. Toss my dead corpse in the oven and be done. Have a party with bar b que, good whiskey, tell stories of us and have metal bands playing in the background. Celebrate my life and move on, people.

What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

When I was younger I hated everything about me because I thought I had to. I’m 41 now and I love me.

What is your favorite hobby?

Gardening. I love to play in the yard. Mostly because no one wants to help and it’s guaranteed alone time. If it’s crappy outside- nothing beats a great book, a warm blanket and a glass of wine.

What do you look for in a friend?

Authenticity. Compassion. And whatever the opposite of selfish is.

Name something you’ve done that you never thought you’d do.

Get married… three times.  Be a mom. Be a published author (several times now!)

What are your favorite things to do?

Anything outside in the warm sun (not tanning though- I slather on the  SPF) and anything with the family… but I won’t go near any kid centered places. Gives me anxiety. And I can’t have booze there.

Any pet peeves?

Ahole people that talk  behind other people’s backs. Be warned: I will call you out on that. Fo shizzle!

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

The neighbor kid. While I was typing this post- he walked across my rock garden and tripped and landed on his head. That’s what he gets- I’ve told him a bazillion times to stay out of my yard. Hope he has a headache.

Now, I am supposed to tag other blogs to play blog tag … leave a comment if you want me to link yours!

Directions: 1) Tell everyone who tagged you (that would be me)      2) Answer the same questions I did    3) Tag more Bloggers  🙂

Rocker Mom Rambles

You Know It Happens At Your House, Too

My Career Impact

The Craziness In My Head

The Real House Wife of Santee

Organisation

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2 Responses to “Middle School Dodge Ball Strikes Again”

  1. Dribbles and Grits February 17, 2013 at 6:05 AM #

    Love it. A. I’m jealous of your cupcakes. B. That’s a lot of animals. C. I am going to read some of your favorite books as soon as my children let me do stuff like that. 4. I totally talk about you behind your back, usually stuff like, “Husband, listen to this one,” and then I read your funny. E. I totally drive thru Sonic all the time for the soda and ice. Best ice ever. I drove through 3 times plus daily when I was pregnant just for the ice. And yes, you totes can sit at the mean girls table just as soon as I take it from them. I was going to use force, but then I realized, it’s so much easier to just tell them that the table they were sitting at makes their butt look big and totally clashes with their shoes. If this doesn’t work, I’m totally going Rosa Parks on dat azz.

  2. Polly Hendricks February 16, 2013 at 10:55 PM #

    You rock and your blogs make me laugh like a half-wit.
    I look forward to whatever is coming next!!

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