I’ll Have A Venti, No Whip Iced Coffee. And Handcuffs.

17 Apr

 I finally found my scale, packed at the bottom of winter clothes probably so I didn’t have to see it again for six months. For whatever reason, I stepped on the lying son of a biscuit. Oh dear Jeebus it’s bad news. Very bad, epic train wreck, make me go throw up the last two months of meals and possibly cut my thighs off bad news. I text a friend, tell her the tragic turn of events. She says, “It’s okay, we can do this. We’ll kick ass like we did when we were 24!”.  “Okay”, I say, “right after I get off of the suicide prevention hot line and stop crying”. I need peace, quiet and some alone time to search my soul and possibly kick myself in the ass for letting this happen. Again. So I went grocery shopping. I realize most people would rather poke their eyes out with their own tongue and not grocery shop, but for whatever reason, I absolutely love it. I find the world’s best parking spot, right outside of the exit ,and  bonus, in one of those fat parking spaces nestled between a curb and a cart return thingy. I skip out of my truck and walk to Starbuck’s. It’s not a long walk, but normally I would have hit the drive thru and then go park. Points are stacking up for me already! Yippee! I order my all time favorite low-calorie, no sugar, no dairy because it makes me have bad bathroom , icy cold coffee cup of fabulous! This is when I decide that Starbuck’s employees must get bonuses rated on a scale of 1 to Bitch Slap in regards to how badly they can annoy a customer with a craptastic storm of questions.

“What can I get started for you?”

“I would love a Venti Mocha Frapaccino Lite with soy, no whip and no sweetener.” See- I am pretty sure I just covered all of the information the need.

“Would you like the syrup added?”

“No thank you, no sugar. Please.”

“It tastes better with an extra pump of chocolate!”

WTF! Which part of lite are you missing. Do I LOOK like I need EXTRA chocolate? My g scale needs therapy from this mornings weigh in and you want to offer me more fat?  Excellent, Mean Girl, now I will definitely need that suicide prevention line on speed dial. But Nice Cat says, with a smile, “No. No thank you. I would not like any sugar, syrup, chocolate or any extra other ass expanding ingredients added.”

Barista laughs, “Oh that is so funny!”. I am not laughing. I am about to cross over from Very Happy to Get a Special Iced Coffee Cat and become your worst nightmare AKA as Forget Suicide, I’d Rather Go To Jail For Punching You In The Head Cat. Now blend my coffee before an epic bitch battle breaks out here in your shiny hipster infested lobby. M’kay? It looks like my irritable, scrunchy eyebrow look has delivered the appropriate message, perhaps I will now get my coffee so I can go shopping and be happy.

“Did you want whipped cream? I always put extra!”

I will not kill her. I will not kill her.
”No. Thank. Youuuu.”
Life sentence in prison averted and coffee in hand, I walk back to the grocery store and wrestle my cart out of the tangled mess at the door. I strap in my purse, get out my list and pen and look for all things green, leafy, healthy and on the perimeter of the store. Things are going awesome, I am calming down and starting to have big hopes and dreams about finally losing 75 pounds while I sip on my delicious iced coffee. And then they appeared. A screaming, fighting, back talking bunch of out of control monkey kids with oblivious parental units ignoring their bad behavior! I guess as long as the brats are bothering anyone but them , it’s okay. Wouldn’t you know it, I don’t have my tazer or Xanax with me so I quickly move on to the next aisle. More of them there. I look at my watch, is it five or something? Why am I seeing so many freaking people all of a sudden? Where did my holistic shopping trip go? Oh damn! It’s the 15th and everyone just got paid and there will soon be a WWF smack down match going on by the meal deals and Little Debbie snack cakes! There will be no peace. No quiet. But that trip to jail is starting to look like a strong possibility.

4 Responses to “I’ll Have A Venti, No Whip Iced Coffee. And Handcuffs.”

  1. Karen Sanders (@dflylover) June 15, 2012 at 6:34 PM #

    I hate it when those skinny bitches don’t appreciate that I’m not happy being fatter than they are. It’s a conspiracy against us when they offer the shit ton of extras.

  2. Carrie Kaye May 16, 2012 at 7:00 PM #

    You. Rock. (bowing, bowing)

  3. gracelovesiggy May 15, 2012 at 6:55 PM #

    This made me laugh out loud like a lunatic haha

  4. Nicole Mirikitani April 17, 2012 at 12:11 PM #

    oh lord have mercy I can relate!

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