We covered the lies, sex, “just friends” and when to call bullshit on the word “safe”. If you missed all of that- go here: http://wp.me/p1VQXo-qk to catch up. Now we need to dig into the really important things like your kids, your dignity and your sanity. There is more than a partnership at stake when someone cheats- your entire skyscraper of hopes and dreams will crash down and take out your structure and foundation with it. Possibly anything that happens to be standing too close. Whatever is left standing- you might have to light the match yourself to scorch the earth so you can grow again. Hopefully faster, stronger, smarter and carefully pieced back together. A bull just smashed the china store and all you have are some tweezers and band aids to put the shards called your life back together again. That’s all the whining you get to do because you have some serious business to attend to. Get out your Preparation H- because you’re about to get a big serving of butthurt and hurt feelers. I refuse to lie to you, pat you on the head and tell you it will all be ok. Because it won’t. Especially if you backtrack and let that loser stick around.
“I love him and I want to work it out”, you rationalize… or try to anyway. Are you trying to go insane? Because this is all you will think about when he is out: are they having fun, are they having wild monkey sex right now and is he coming home. Did you notice I left out “if”? Because “if” doesn’t live at your house anymore. No more chats with your BFF’s about “if” he ever did that I would kill him. “If” has turned into the very scary monster we call “when”. He will do it again- guaranteed. You’re going to lose your mind and what’s left of your dignity if you are willing to lay on the floor and be walked on. For the record- you may love him- but he does not love you. That is worth repeating. He. Does. Not . Love . You. Back. No one that loves you would hurt you to the core and leave you a wrecked mess of tears, snot and incinerated happily ever after fairy tales. No one that loves you would use you, lie to you, disregard you and expect you to lay down and take it. Nope. And that leaves you in charge of loving you. So do yourself, and the people who really do care about you, a favor and love yourself enough to kick his sorry ass out or you pack your shit and go. Someone has to leave- make sure you decide who. The “when” is right fucking now, friend, as soon as you know about it and verify your available funds are in your bank account- he is without you to fall back on. His Plan B just changed the locks and she is moving on.
“But we have kids”, you say? You are the parent who truly cares. You are not the one that stepped out on your family and flipped them the bird on the way out, correct? So you get to be both parents now and set the example of no cheating, no lies and no tolerance. That’s it. Does it suck monkey balls? Yes, indeed it does. Your kids are going to act out, they may even dislike you and not understand what just happened. Depending on their age- they may not for a while. They will, however, eventually understand that no one screws over their mommy and that you will stand your ground, protect your family and kick the ass of whomever dare cross your moral line in the sand. This lesson is crucial to kids: boys see how not to treat a woman and girls see that they don’t have to take excuses and cheating- and vice versa is the cheater roles are reversed. You and the kids will be just fine thankyouverymuch because you won’t have that voice in your head nagging and distracting you from being the parent, leader and example you signed up to be to them.
“We have to keep this quiet because he works with her and we don’t want him to get fired”. Here’s how you handle this- it’s hard to do at first but by the time you hang up the line, or burn rubber out of a parking lot, I guarantee you are going to feel like a million shiny new diamonds. He will do what I am about to tell you to insist on because he wants to keep his job, his reputation and not have a loser bomb explode all over him. He also is banking on keeping you and the sky is the limit when it comes to demands he must meet. You’re not staying- but he doesn’t need to know that right now. All he needs to know- is that you need some piece of mind so you can focus. He thinks it’s focusing on your marriage- you are really buying time to focus on gathering financial information, lining up your legal team and making your new life plans. Here’s the play book : Get him and her on the phone or in a neutral place with lots of people. Here’s what you say with no emotion, a hint of bat shit crazy in your eyes and an I-will -follow- through -so- just- try- me- attitude. Your goal is to make them very confused about your current mental state: you either need anger management or you truly are a bad ass.
To Him: “You are going to go to your boss and ask to be moved far away from the Slut here and removed from any common projects AND you are going to look for another job. You will do this by (insert date) or I will do it for you”.
To Her: “You are going to stay far , far away from my family. If I see, hear, smell or even think you are in ANY way involved with my husband- I will have your job, your home, your reputation, your 401K and your bank account by evoking a legal manuever called “alienation of affection”. Look it up. Outside of your money , I will personally beat your ass if you dare to step one foot near my home, friends or family. I will destroy you both”.
Now sit there through a very awkward few minutes of silence while watching them soak that in. What you just told them is: you have done your legal homework, you have nothing left to lose and you intend to go nuclear at any given moment. Now they can go tell on themselves and whatever happens- they deserve it. Get up, get your purse, and ask if anyone needs clarification. No? Excellent, now calmly leave or hang up.
“It was just one time”. Yep, and so was my ability to trust you. End of story.
“God said till death do us part”. Here is where a whole bunch of you are going to hate me. Like really hate me. Because I am about to shake your foundation – and take away the very last thing you are maybe grasping to. If your God demands that you remain locked in a marriage to a person who has zero regard for your health, well-being and safety- then your cheater isn’t the only thing you need to be divorcing. M’kay? Seriously. A relationship is a two-way road. You can not be in one by yourself. Period. No one should feel obligated to stand and take multiple punches to the throat. Because that’s what it feels like when you discover your one and only has slut on his hands. I literally threw up, went to my closet, closed the door and crumbled to the floor. I could not breathe, I could not think and I discovered what is feels like to not feel. Someone had died . That person I thought I married. That person I thought I knew would never ever do this. He was dead and I was left with the shell of him with a stranger stuffed inside. I died a little that day, too, and I still had the very nasty task ahead of me of telling my daughter what happened and what was next. Don’t even kid yourself that you can recover your marriage or relationship. You will always wonder and never be able to resume trust, intimacy and that easy feeling you had. Every time he is out too long- BAM- throat punch sends you reeling to the floor and gasping for hope and air. No one deserves that life and no one should be expected to live it- regardless of whatever book says you should be a martyr and accept those terms. There’s nothing down there on the floor for you- so don’t sign an extension of your broken ’till death do us part agreement. Get up, brush the cheater off of you and get going to your new life. It will take baby steps- but I promise you will be running in your LBD at date weight before you know it. Then looking back from the mirror will be new you: holding her head high and being able to withstand the next hurricane without going to her knees.