You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Road Less Traveled Called Do Yourself A Favor

13 Apr

 We covered the lies, sex, “just friends” and when to call bullshit on the word “safe”. If you missed all of that- go here: to catch up. Now we need to dig into the really important things like your kids, your dignity and your sanity. There is more than a partnership at stake when someone cheats- your entire skyscraper of hopes and dreams will crash down and take out your structure and foundation with it. Possibly anything that happens to be standing too close. Whatever is left standing- you might have to light the match yourself to  scorch the earth so you can grow again. Hopefully faster, stronger, smarter and carefully pieced back together. A  bull just smashed the china store and all you have are some tweezers and band aids to put the shards called your life back together again. That’s all the whining you get to do because you have some serious business to attend to. Get out your Preparation H- because you’re about to get a big serving of butthurt and hurt feelers. I refuse to lie to you, pat you on the head and tell you it will all be ok. Because it won’t. Especially if you backtrack and let that loser stick around.

“I love him and I want to work it out”, you rationalize… or try to anyway. Are you trying to go insane? Because this is all you will think about when he is out: are they having fun, are they having wild monkey sex right now and is he coming home. Did you notice I left out “if”? Because “if” doesn’t live at your house anymore. No more chats with your BFF’s about “if” he ever did that I would kill him. “If” has turned into the very scary monster we call “when”. He will do it again- guaranteed. You’re going to lose your mind and what’s left of your dignity if you are willing to lay on the floor and be walked on. For the record- you may love him- but he does not love you. That is worth repeating. He. Does. Not . Love . You. Back. No one that loves you would hurt you to the core and leave you a wrecked mess of tears, snot and incinerated happily ever after fairy tales. No one that loves you would use you, lie to you, disregard you and expect you to lay down and take it. Nope.  And that leaves you in charge of loving you. So do yourself, and the people who really do care about you, a favor and love yourself enough to kick his sorry ass out or you pack your shit and go. Someone has to leave- make sure you decide who. The “when” is right fucking now, friend, as soon as you know about it and verify your available funds are in your bank account- he is without you to fall back on. His Plan B just changed the locks and she is  moving on.

“But we have kids”, you say? You are the parent who truly cares. You are not the one that stepped out on your family and flipped them the bird on the way out, correct? So you get to be both parents now and set the example of no cheating, no lies and no tolerance. That’s it. Does it suck monkey balls? Yes, indeed it does. Your kids are going to act out, they may even dislike you and not understand what just happened.  Depending on their age- they may not for a while. They will, however, eventually understand that no one screws over their mommy and that you will stand your ground, protect your family and kick the ass of whomever dare cross your moral line in the sand. This lesson is crucial to kids: boys see how not to treat a woman and girls see that they don’t have to take excuses and cheating- and vice versa is the cheater roles are reversed. You and the kids will be just fine thankyouverymuch because you won’t have that voice in your head nagging and distracting you from being the parent, leader and example you signed up to be to them.

“We have to keep this quiet because he works with her and we don’t want him to get fired”. Here’s how you handle this- it’s hard to do at  first but by the time you hang up the line, or burn rubber out of a parking lot, I guarantee you are going to feel like a million shiny new diamonds. He will do what I am about to tell you to insist on because he wants to keep his job, his reputation and not have a loser bomb explode all over him. He also is banking on keeping you and the sky is the limit when it comes to demands he must meet. You’re not staying- but he doesn’t need to know that right now. All he needs to know- is that you need some piece of mind so you can focus. He thinks it’s focusing on your marriage- you are really buying time to focus on gathering financial information, lining up your legal team and making your new life plans. Here’s the play book : Get him and her on the phone or in a neutral place with lots of people. Here’s what you say with no emotion, a hint of bat shit crazy in your eyes and an I-will -follow- through -so- just- try- me- attitude.  Your goal is to make them very confused about your current mental state: you either need anger management or you truly are a bad ass.

To Him: “You are going to go to your boss and ask to be moved far away from the Slut here and removed from any common projects AND you are going to look for another job. You will do this by (insert date) or I will do it for you”.

To Her: “You are going to stay far , far away from my family. If I see, hear, smell or even think you are in ANY  way involved with my husband- I will have your job, your home, your reputation, your 401K and your bank account by evoking a legal manuever called “alienation of affection”. Look it up. Outside of your money , I will personally beat your ass if you dare to step one foot near my home, friends or family. I will destroy you both”.

Now sit there through a very awkward few minutes of silence while watching them soak that in. What you just told them is: you have done your legal homework, you have nothing left to lose and you intend to go nuclear at any given moment. Now they can go tell on themselves and whatever happens- they deserve it. Get up, get your purse, and ask if anyone needs clarification. No? Excellent, now calmly leave or hang up.

“It was just one time”. Yep, and so was my ability to trust you. End of story.

“God said till death do us part”. Here is where a whole bunch of you are going to hate me. Like really hate me. Because I am about to  shake your foundation  – and take away the very last thing you are maybe grasping to. If your God demands that you remain locked in a marriage to a person who has zero regard for your health, well-being and safety- then your cheater isn’t the only thing you need to be divorcing. M’kay? Seriously. A relationship is a two-way road. You can not be in one by yourself. Period. No one should feel obligated to stand and take multiple punches to the throat. Because that’s what it feels like when you discover your one and only has slut on his hands. I literally threw up, went to my closet, closed the door and crumbled to the floor. I could not breathe, I could not think and I discovered what is feels like to not feel. Someone had died . That person I thought I married. That person I thought I knew would never ever do this. He was dead and I was left with the shell of him with a stranger stuffed inside. I died a little that day, too, and I still had the very nasty task ahead of me of telling my daughter what happened and what was next. Don’t even kid yourself that you can recover your marriage or relationship. You will always wonder and never be able to resume trust, intimacy and that easy feeling you had. Every time he is out too long- BAM- throat punch sends you reeling to the floor and gasping for hope and air. No one deserves that life and no one should be expected to live it- regardless of whatever book says you should be a martyr and accept those terms. There’s nothing down there on the floor for you- so don’t sign an extension of your broken ’till death do us part  agreement. Get up, brush the cheater off of you and get going to your new life.  It will take baby steps- but I promise you will be running in your LBD at date weight before you know it. Then looking back from the mirror will be new you: holding her head high and being able to withstand the next hurricane without going to her knees.

10 Responses to “You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Road Less Traveled Called Do Yourself A Favor”

  1. k June 11, 2012 at 7:32 PM #

    I have to say I am slightly disappointed that you removed my last post from part one “your going to get your feelers hurt” and closed the comments section, i was really hoping to get some advice – yes, you are not a therapist and/or mine, but i like what you have to say hints reaching out. I know you are not obligated to reply and or leave a comment that i posted…. but why be in the business of blogging and writing your opinion and not respond to someone who really needs it ? Obviously i would never take anything over the internet far too seriously…but i will admit the anticipation to read your response was probably the most exciting thing i have had going on in a while. Truly sad i know, i just thought from reading your other post you were a “down ass bitch ” for lack of a better analogy.

    was looking for some support from a total strangers who may have some advice to give.

    just thought i send you a note – good luck with the blog.

    • Honey Badger Press June 14, 2012 at 11:15 PM #

      Hi there Katie,

      You may have noticed this site has been static since 4/17- that’s because I have been having HUGE technical issues with moving over to self hosting. Alot of my content, comments and art have been sucked into the black hole. It’s been a few months of constant hell with Go Daddy & Word Press. Content is just now being restored (like right now), subscription and access to comments are starting to populate since I can see this now. I just regained access to my admin panel to be able to moderate. So- with that said- I searched for a comment with your name and I don’t see it restored. Feel free to comment again but wait a couple of days- I don’t trust the transition yet.

  2. Mandy Martin April 30, 2012 at 10:00 AM #

    Just an FYI – God does not require one to stay married to an adulterer. Adultery is a God-approved reason for divorce. Adultery is highly frowned upon by God, ergo its inclusion in the “Thou shall not” section of the Ten Commandments.

    • Honey Badger Press May 3, 2012 at 2:04 PM #

      If we are talking about your God, then I will take you word. However- there are lots of Gods that people worship- and they all have different rules. And if that doesn’t muddy the waters enough- there are a gazillion different interpretations and levels of devotion. I used to be in a Church of Christ congregation that would kick your ass out if you left a marriage because of adultery. How’s that for Man over ruling God in religion? Lots of women & men staying in a suck ass relationship because of religion. BTW- I love you, Mandy 🙂

  3. Anonymous April 17, 2012 at 10:05 PM #

    Just wanted to say THANK YOU this is the best reality check ever. My mom wouldn’t leave my dad just because he was “still my father” and she “couldn’t take him away from me”. I was only in middle school, and even then I knew it was completely wrong and that I had lost all respect for her as a mother and woman. Don’t make this mistake, show your children you have some kind of self-worth through example.

  4. Bridget April 13, 2012 at 11:47 AM #

    i have to send this to a friend. her hubbys slut actually sent him home with christmas presents for her kids. he’s still alive. she’s still there. this may be the reality slap she needs. thank you.

    • Honey Badger Press April 13, 2012 at 11:58 AM #

      What??? His Slut is sending presents to her children. Mom needs to be slapped into reality. NO WAY would A) he still be in my house and B) the other woman be welcome to know my children. Holy hell. No . Fucking. Way.

  5. Kelly Ryan April 13, 2012 at 10:24 AM #

    True words of wisdom from a woman who knows from experience. OPEN YOUR EARS.OPEN YOUR HEARTS, and LISTEN.TO.CAT., Girls. She speaks the truth. Thank you, Cat. Much love, Sister.

  6. Jo April 13, 2012 at 10:09 AM #

    when i confronted him about everything , he said guys don’t like bitches that never shut up … Bitches that never shut up ??? i’m your fuckin wife i’d take your bullshit for rest of life just two things in return loyalty and faithfulness … Said it’s better if i go now cause he wants his life back … It’s just a guy thing … I did’nt know if i should cry or laugh at that point …

  7. Alison Casilli April 13, 2012 at 7:51 AM #

    I just love you! Well said!

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