You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: It’s Called The Road Less Traveled For A Reason

11 Apr

 I have a  ton of emails and messages asking me how to treat a cheater. He/she cheated with my/ their: coworker,  sister, brother, BFF, boss,  ex (es), neighbor,  assistant,  pastor and so on. Should I take them back, try harder, lose weight, become a hooker, revenge cheat, insist on counseling, burn the house down, burn them up or just get the hell out? The short answer is yes. And no. So my suggestion to you , my dear sweet Kittens, is to pour yourself a drink, strap yourself into your big girl panties and take your chances with what I have to say about this subject. While you read, try to remember where you put your spine because  you’ll need more than a tissue to get through tonight. It’s gonna get ugly, I promise I won’t be gentle and if they aren’t already- you’re gonna get your feelers hurt. Staying put with a cheater  is solidly on the road less traveled for a reason: because it’s hard and rarely works out. And stupid.

As an aside- I shall refer to the cheater as “he” going forward because  English rules state that we should always default to the male pronoun. And I am too lazy to keep typing he/she/them. And most cheaters are “hims”. Pretty sure that’s all correct.

Yes, I just said that. I said staying with someone who intentionally hurts you  in one of the deepest, most personal and painful ways is dumb. It’s reckless for you, your health, your career and your family. Have you no sense of self-preservation? If someone rolled you in blood and guts then pushed you off of a boat into shark infested waters- would you take them to counseling to figure out why they did it? So they could do it again- but in a better sneakier way next time? No. You would hopefully survive and then get back on the boat and give them the ass kicking of their lives, tie the anchor to them and toss them into the water never to be seen again. “Oh, but I LOVE THEM!”, you say. That’s awesome, but it doesn’t really matter since they don’t love you back. Ouch.

“I’m sooooo sorry”, he said with tears in his eyes while trembling and grasping at the wedding ring that was just launched at his  head . Charming , heh? He’s on his knees, begging you to stay, saying all sorts of beautiful things he hasn’t said since before you said ‘forever only you’ to each other. Snot running down his face, red rimming his eyes from the thought of losing  you, the kids, his car.  Wait, what? The car? Really? Yes, really. He is not sorry he hurt you, tossed out your vows, broke your trust, wrecked your family and ripped your heart out. Nope. He is sorry he got caught. You have to understand that “I’m sorry” is for accidents. Like breaking your favorite coffee cup, forgetting the wine at the grocery or dropping the kid on it’s head.  Cheating doesn’t happen by accident. He didn’t accidentally slip and land with his penis in his secretary. Just for argument’s sake,  let’s just say he did slip and by chance landed on her doggie style and his weenus just sorta fell in. Why the hell were they naked?  Together. Cheating takes careful planning, deliberate communication and constant deceit. Every minute your cheater is with you  he is lying to you. He is taking away your soft place to fall , your security, your naked sexy time and quite possibly your financial resources to buy her dinner and presents.  He’s out. Period. There are no take backs in cheating. He chose her by lying and sneaking around. He chose to be with her and lose everything he had with you, including his car, and he walked out. He just didn’t take his stuff. Honey you’ve just been reduced to his maid and storage shed. So be a good little wife/girlfriend and throw his shit out onto the lawn and turn on the sprinklers. No reason not to be helpful and wash his laundry one last time. Maybe lighten his load by cutting one arm and one leg off of everything. I may have done that once. It was therapeutic. It burns shit to the ground so there is no going back. And smart kittens don’t go back. Ever.

 “We didn’t have sex, we just talked”. And texted, Skyped, had lunch, dinner and coffee. Oh really, so why didn’t he invite you? If it was nothing and she’s just a friend then why haven’t you met her? Why all of the secrets? The courtesy rule is this: if your one and only has an opposite sex friend- then you are included, invited and in the know about their goings on. There is nothing to hide, conceal or exclude you from. Here’s a tip for you on the brink cheaters: if you find yourself deleting texts, clearing browser history and returning calls from your “just friend” from the toilet- you are now entering Cheaterville.  My ex cheated on me and this is why I  first  suspected his lying no good sorry cheating ass. The several calls a day I received from him to say hi, share a stupid story about work or ask about dinner stopped. So did the texts. Before I knew it, he had nothing to talk about to me when he got home. Late. You know why? He already shared it all with someone else- there was nothing left for me at the end of the day. Red flag. Big. Red. Flag. This is cheating. Possibly the most hurtful to a woman. He took the emotional equity of our relationship and handed it to someone else- leaving me with nothing but a lonely house and a very broken heart. It didn’t matter if they didn’t have sex because he gave the truly intimate sharing of our marriage to someone else. The inside jokes, pillow talk and random sharing of daily stupidity is the glue that binds you together- the common ground you can always find when the going gets tough. The “do you remember whens” that make you snort your coffee over breakfast. That is the good stuff and when you lose it- it’s gone forever. That level of intimacy is built up over time, the ability to trust your other half enough to say , “hey I just sharted on myself” and shared experiences are priceless. When that is all betrayed – there is nowhere to go but out the door and down the road to a life called single.

“We were safe”. I’m sorry, this person just cheated on you and now you want to believe he actually used a condom? You can ponder that pile of bullshit on your way to get your STD panel  at your Gynos. Seriously. Do not wait. Get it all done today and then again in three months. It’s bad enough you just had your life go nuclear- don’t also die in the process.  You. Could. Die. I am personally watching a loved one suffer through AIDS because her partner cheated on her. He died years ago. She is alive and dying. Alone. Let’s face it- the cold hard truth is that your future partner options are extremely limited if you have to disclose that you have HPV, Herpes, Hepatitis or HIV. If the cheating isn’t enough to make you kick some lying, heartless, selfish sorry excuse for a human being to the curb- then this should be. He risked your future, your fertility,  your health and your life. No take backs in that department either. No tolerance. No redos.

Tomorrow we will cover: retaining your dignity and sanity, the perils of counseling, the kids, hiding the dirty laundry and playing hide the sausage with the boss….

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11 Responses to “You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: It’s Called The Road Less Traveled For A Reason”

  1. Stacy May 8, 2012 at 1:03 PM #

    Having just gone through a nasty divorce instigated by a cheater who was SUCH a liar that I had no idea WHY he left until I found his cellphone logs and saw HER number 20-30 times a day. When he left he was more than happy to blame me saying “I was miserable”, “I’ll be happier without him”, and my favorite “i’m holding you back honey”. YES, of course I was miserable…I just had to put my dog to sleep and lost my job. Oh, and lest ye forget that the day after I found out about the girlfriend he emptied out our bank accounts! Financially RUINED! Had I had a more skeptical less naive outlook on men and cheating I may have at least thought suspiciously enough to protect myself financially. So i say WRITE ON! Please warn women about the underlying thought processes of men and the true nature of a cheater…this past year I have been through a hell I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy….well, except maybe my ex…and his whorebag girlfriend.

  2. Jeanene May 3, 2012 at 6:06 AM #

    So very true….BUT every woman and every situation is different, your article makes it seem black or white. The reality is, it’s just not that simple. Each woman has to make the decision, on her own, to stay or to go when faced with cheating in her marriage/relationship. It is easy to give advice to do this or that, but often when in that situation, and it’s happening to you, it’s not so easy. I’m speaking from experience.

    • Honey Badger Press May 3, 2012 at 1:56 PM #

      I stand by my advice. I have been there- just left there, in fact. My relationship passport has more trips to Cheaterville stamped on it than I care to acknowledge. It really is black and white. For whatever reason- women want to really cloud the issue with hopes, dreams and what ifs in order to make a decision. But you know what? The decision has already been made for you. When someone cheats on you,lies to you and sneaks around- they vote themselves out of your life because they just said, “Hey screw you, Imma do what and who I want even though I KNOW IT WILL DEVASTATE YOU”. Why would any of us stay with someone who so deeply and intentionally hurt us and turned our world upside down?

      If you’re on the sharp stingy side of a cheater- then do not stop until you are well on your way to New Life, do not waste one more minute and do not be a door mat. You deserve better. MUCH better. That goes for you , too, Gentleman.

  3. Lynda April 13, 2012 at 6:30 PM #

    No truer words have ever been spoken………you nailed that scenario to a “T”. Keep it coming!

  4. Nicole Moulton April 12, 2012 at 9:21 PM #

    Seriously, I want you to know I never was a cheerleader but you had me doing high kicks here like I was the captain of the squad and yelling go! go! go! FINALLY someone who isn’t a stand by your cheater, liar, and no good dirt bag. I applaud you. I sincerely love that you go and just rip it apart for what it is. Many of my friends think it’s extreme when I say it, but I tell them cheating really is a form of abuse. They think I’m drama, but really I’m not. Isn’t someone who cares so little for you that they would possibly bring you home AIDS not causing you physical harm by giving you a death sentence? What about the emotional and psychological elements of it? I think you pointed this out perfectly. Thank you! I am sharing this for sure!

  5. Mary April 12, 2012 at 4:39 PM #

    I am giving you a standing ovation!!

  6. Anonymous April 12, 2012 at 9:22 AM #

    clapping wildly!

  7. kimbarussell April 12, 2012 at 7:00 AM #

    Agreed! Have a cup of concrete and harden The. Fuck. Up, Sista! Better to be on your own and happy than with just another shithead and sad!

  8. Karen Sanders (@dflylover) April 12, 2012 at 6:48 AM #

    I just went through something that came close to this with my NEW husband. My dear friend took him aside and gave him a tiny version of this. She scared him, but I wish I’d had this in December.

  9. Mendy Parker April 12, 2012 at 12:25 AM #

    Good lord woman, I think you and I are one the same! LOVE IT! Keep it real!

  10. Anonymous April 12, 2012 at 12:21 AM #

    Good lord woman, I am convinced you and I are one in the same. AWESOME! Please teach these kittens how the real world works. So tired of hearing “poor pitiful me”. Suck it buttercup! Grow a pair and move on! If you really have to fight that hard when will you ever realize the fight isn’t worth it? IF YOU CANT TRUST HIM, YOU DON’T NEED HIM!! Been there done that. Even been down the abuse road too & quite frankly I think I like me, better than any flash in the pan. Not saying there aren’t some good ones out there, but make sure you know what you are shopping for before you settle.

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