Maggot Toe Strikes Again!

4 Apr

So I was trying to be nice and leave food out for our neighbor’s  kitties that are left outside…because I absolutely hate that. Hate cats being left outside- so I am the crazy cat lady that leaves food out to feed every stray in the neighborhood. They need special bowls and cute stuff, I think,  and a little place on our new front porch to call their own. Next to the shiny new black wrought iron frame…you know…keeping the strays classy. I  also am in the throes of  reorganizing  my office, cabinets, pantry, etc. for a spring cleaning get this clutter out of here garage sale. I hate clutter, so it’s time to get rid of the crap that snuck in to stay warm during the winter.  Look at me  be philanthropic and  OCD all around my house and outside! I deserve a prize, a gold star, a maggot toe. Wait, what?

You have heard the tale of the Maggot Toe, right? It’s down below if you wish to get up to speed…a picture is there also. So back to my freaking reward for trying to be epic. I walked outside to see a friend off last night and on my way in , I tripped on the cat food, sent it spinning like a tornado across the porch and into the garden, tripped on the step going into the house ( made up all kinds of new words that rhyme with mother trucker). I smashed my elbow on that piece of crap wrought iron and immediately felt pain in my toe. I grabbed a glass of wine on the way to my office to keep my shizzle together so I could focus on organization and some writing time. And then, Zombie Dog appears out of no where, I slide the injured foot over and touch her and she promptly goes ape shit and bites me. Fine. It’s fine because my wine is still safely in my ginormous glass. So I continue to limp to my office and prepare to hurdle the barrier that keeps the dogs out of mine and the Crabbit’s room. Left foot is over, wine is safe, and BAM! I catch my hurt toe under the barrier and bend it all the way to China. So , my friends, I have another severe case of Maggot Toe leaving me to sandals and flats for who knows how long. At least it’s warm and I just got a pedicure on Sunday. I do deserve applause for spilling not one drop of wine.


I am the proud owner of the world’s lowest pain tolerance, and subsequently, inability to forget it. Any pain. If I have a hang nail I will cry but yank it off anyway. I know I shouldn’t do this because the end result is almost always me ripping off a little strip of skin from my nail bed to my arm pit, no matter how quickly and stealthy I try to pull it up and out. Causing myself even more pain and possibly a staff infection. So you can imagine when I dismount from my platform bed, get my tiny baby toe caught in the frame and sail into the wall head first (baby toe still firmly lodged in the Ikea bed frame) , that I might scream bloody trucking murder and prompt the neighbors to call 911 since I am losing my mind from seeing my once lovely and pedicured toe bent away from my foot in a perfect right angle. Great, THATS what it takes for me to remember Geometry? Still screaming, very loudly, and possibly making up new cuss words.  I already used the standard set after I looked down to see my mangled toe and tried to release it from my bed without the aid of the jaws of life or a blow torch.

After I have released my “toe” from the crap factory lady killing Ikea bed, I survey the damage. My toe is  perpendicular to my foot and it is now gushing blood from underneath because I sliced it on some craptastic piece of hardware that I probably didn’t completely screw in.  I have an 8 AM meeting and this tragic pedi-disaster has eaten up my get gorgeous time. Now, normally I would just grab an outfit and limp to the meeting. Of course the day this all happened, I had a planned outfit that included the début of a fabulous new pair of heels. My hooker parade is on the brink of cancellation because my toe is swelling! I tape broken toe to the next one with a Band Aid, hop on one foot to my closet, grab the right shoe, bend my toe back to how nature intended it, shove my foot (mother trucking ouch) in and  take a shower with my right leg out. I figure it’s a win-win! My toe is being held in position and I get to wear my new shoes! The pressure from the shoe is sure to stop the bleeding, swelling ,and most importantly, the pain. Right?

I last all day in those shoes. My toe must look fabulous because I can’t feel it, or anything, on that side of my foot.When I got home my shoe popped right off and my toe wasted no time popping right back out to the right as if to mock me by forming a big “L” for loser. Then it swelled. Immediately. It looked like a giant white puffy maggot with a tiny little head where my toenail used to be until my toe swallowed it up. Ney, not a maggot, one of those giant white slugs you find hiding under the grass. Yeah, one of those. One year later and my hideously ugly Maggot Toe still hurts like a son of a bitch, is three times bigger than my other baby toe and still insists on remaining bent outward. They say you forget pain and healing just takes time…. but I vividly remember my attempt to amputate my toe. Just as I remember every second of that hell wrapped up in a pretty ribbon and called the gift of giving birth and motherhood….

Part Two is here:

4 Responses to “Maggot Toe Strikes Again!”

  1. Lynda Woods April 5, 2012 at 10:13 AM #

    OMG, I just laughed so hard I peed on myself!!! Sounds like a typical day in my screwed up world! Thanks for the laugh!

  2. hawaiisurfbreak April 4, 2012 at 1:36 PM #

    Haha funny shit! I say cut it off!

  3. Anonymous April 4, 2012 at 11:41 AM #

    OMG! I’m dying and crying and laughing…. I think I even snorted… LMAO I’m at work (at lunch thank you…) and people are looking at me like… Umm?? Are you OKAY??? LOL I can SO SERIOUSLY see myself doing this! Thanks for the vivid picture of your morning!

    • Honey Badger Press April 4, 2012 at 11:48 AM #

      So glad I could amuse you! I think Zombie Dog & the crabbit are still snickering.
      Stupid maggot toe is never going to heal!

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