You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Best Friends Fornever & Monster In Laws

29 Mar

Question: My best [guy] friend dumped his girlfriend a few weeks ago, and she’s in our circle of mutual friends. However, she’s been acting cray-cray lately and has been all butthurt when our friends hang out with him (even though they split time pretty evenly). This results in a myriad passive aggressive text messages from her. Anyway, he scored a sweet cabin up in the mountains for a few days and invited everybody except for her (obviously). The ex’s roommate is among those invited and wants to go, but doesn’t like lying to the ex about her spring break plans and insists that my guy friend breaks the news to his ex. Since it’s none of her damn business, should he even tell his ex about this trip? Or if he does, how does he clearly get the message across that he’s having people over to his cabin and she’s definitely not invited without being a total asshole (being a little bit of an asshole is probably acceptable)?

I hope you have your big girl panties and some wet wipes handy because I think you are not going to like my perspective. First, is this guy-friend  twelve??? Seriously, if he is old enough to A) have a girlfriend B) see her special places and C) rent a cabin then he should have the ball sack to make a courtesy call to say, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know I have invited some of our mutual friends to a Spring Break thing. I know you may feel left out and I wanted to tell you so you don’t get caught off guard”. He did actually care about her feelings at one point, correct? He doesn’t have to tell her it’s a fabulous cabin, how much fun you plan to have and that you left her passive-aggressive self out to avoid the drama from dampening your fun. How hard is that? It’s not…unless he has no spine. It is her business, because you all are BFF’s , yes? Last time I checked, that last “F” did not stand for “fornever” or “fuck you when you’re down and out”. You are all in the same group, having fun, etc., etc. and one of you needs to man up and take care of your friend just a little. We are all guilty of a little passive-aggressive post breakup loony tune time and your friend deserves maybe a little margin of error? You are all in the same circle, granted some may be closer to her than others, but how about a little compassion for her…it’s a 30 second courtesy call. If at least one of you can’t, then you all need a come to Jesus meeting to hold each other accountable to acting like human beings.

I am going to tell you exactly what I would say to my 19-year-old daughter , actually,  I have said this to her. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were this  “friend”…all extra crispy from a break up AND have your feelers hurt AND the circle of BFF’s are on high drama alert AND engaging in a little elementary gym class picking sides BS AND one of them thinks that being a little bit of an asshole to you is acceptable AND then  you look up and have no one to hang with on Spring Break because they all snuck away and no one had enough personal dignity or heart to give you a heads up. That would freaking suck.  Then I would advise her to spend her time on Spring Break to find a  better circle of BFF’s. The kind that subscribe to that last “F” representing “forever” through thick and thin.

Question: My mother in law is insane and over steps boundaries ALL OF THE TIME. My husband refuses to say anything to her so he doesn’t rock the family boat. Which make events at  our house unbearable; not to mention her interfering with how we raise our children. Ok, how I raise our children since my husband is hands off. I am so close to divorcing them all.

I’ll go ahead and break the bad news to you right up front…divorce or no- that hag is always going to be in your life since you have kidlets. Period. Sorry, have a drink and a cry and let’s get down to the business of kicking your husband in the motivation in an attempt to shock him into growing a spine. His mother- his job to tell her to step off. Period. I suspect you know that already since you have noted that he won’t act. Fine then, looks like you get to be the man of the house, too.

Here’s what you do. Invite them both to lunch and after your order is in (to prevent your captives from jumping ship) lovingly hold your husband’s hand and make sure you are all cuddled up to him. Then say this, ”  Things need to change going forward”. Notice I didn’t say tell them how you feel. There will be no ‘my feelers are hurt’, ‘you really upset me’, no tears, no whining none of that get- you -nowhere -give-up- your- power- time waisting. Got it? You are going to say, “We have some miscommunications I am going to clear up. When it comes to our home- I am the head bitch in charge (ok, you can say you’re THE mom of the house). When it comes to our children, we have rules in place that go with the children and they  do not change based on who is looking after them”,  then list your top three grievances in a short concise way. JUST THREE. You are there to win the war- not the battles. Then let her know that under no circumstances will anyone continue to undermine your parenting, your household or  your marriage. Then turn to him and say, “Isn’t that right, Dear?”. He will have to say yes because you have that bastard’s hand in yours , you are squeezing it very hard  and you are dangerously within wenis stabbing distance with a fork. You need to be smiling like a lunatic at this point and then roll right into your Easter plans and how much fun everyone is looking forward to having. When the bill arrives, you pay to enforce your position of power and to send the subliminal message that they owe you.  If either of them screw up after that- then they don’t give a flying duck about your position of Queen Bee  of your family and maybe he should move home and live in his Mommy’s basement. You have children to raise and did not sign up for raising a mangina. Period. As a side note: vibrators don’t talk back or have mothers.

Have a problem and you want an honest, straight forward answer?

Write me at: cat (at) honeybadgerpress (dot) com

I promise to not be gentle

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2 Responses to “You’re Gonna Get Your Feelers Hurt: Best Friends Fornever & Monster In Laws”

  1. Mandy Martin April 1, 2012 at 12:41 AM #

    I think you have found your calling – giving sage advice with a side of butt-hurt and bitch-slap. I love you!

  2. Joy M March 29, 2012 at 5:01 PM #

    Cat, you are one wise and wily kitten…..Dr Phil has nothin’ on you.

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