I Have A Fist Boner For You

7 Mar

So far this week, and I do hope today was the end of it, a plethora of fucktardery has found its way to me. Serious WTF- did that really happen -moments have stumbled directly into my zen path. I have been trying haaaard to be all that is good and Junior League this week. For reallies , I have tried to wrangle my temper and  genuinely care about other people’s issues-  at the very least do a reasonable job at pretending. In short, I was trying to be a better me ,and I tell you what, that is so tiring. My brain hurts and I sprained my hand from all of the fist boners I had to conceal, as volunteers to get ass kickings from yours truly kept jumping in front of my face . I gave up and just started handing out the bitch slaps.

First, some whore emailed me to let me know a place in hell had been reserved for me because I don’t believe in her Jebus. Well no shit, Mother Theresa, there’s one for you , too. It’s called reality and we’re all in it right now. Ta-da! No more waiting and trying to avoid going to hell- you’re already there- it’s called mother freaking Earth! For the record; I give zero shits about who you choose to worship. I really don’t care. I applaud your believing in something but don’t pretend like you have been privy to some short list of “non- believing heathens” that are “going straight to hell for eternity for not repenting. If you know that with certainty, please go with me to buy a lottery ticket because you must be psychic! I do not want to be part of any cult/club that believes they are the end all be all of righteousness. Isn’t that sorta what religious people AREN’T supposed to do?  I’m not religious in the churchy sense but if you are- I will listen to you. If you try to baptize me- good luck with that- I’ve been dunked in the church three times and it still hasn’t stuck. So let’s make a deal: I will respect your thoughts and beliefs but if you don’t show me the same courtesy, I will  blog about you and use your real name, JWightmone1964@luckyididntgiveyourentireemailaddress.fucktard.

Then as I was grocery shopping and this chick kept staring at me. She would be in every aisle with me and just stare and give me barf face. I was  totally doing the mental checklist: Do I have a booger? Did I start my period and now my very light tan dress is ruined? Maybe my boob escaped. Shit, is my dress caught in my panties? Maybe I smell. After a frenzy of super secret private eye spot checking myself, I finally figured it out. Me: 220 lbs, tall, rocking a classic summer dress with a bright embilished cardigan, tan wedge peep toe heels and having an epic hair day. Her: 220 lbs, also tall, wearing the “I gave up” sweat pant/grungy t-shirt ensemble, house shoes and having an “I haven’t washed my hair in a month” day. Yes, that’s what it was. Bitch didn’t like the smell of awesome. My entire outfit cost me $28 at Target so it’s not like I spent the day rolling around at Neiman Marcus. I did, however, pack my personal dignity.

We all have those days when  have to venture out into society and don’t even have the energy to brush our teeth. I get that- I do it on occasion (but cleverly disguised in a ball cap and sunglasses). But why the stink eye and bad ju ju vibes? How about a high-five and let’s sneak over to the wine aisle and “sample” the goods. Have a little womanly-I -hate-the -universe-and-men-bitch-a-thon. Seriously, don’t make me drop kick your stupid ass. I could so do it- even in 6″ heels. I over came my violent urge and instead politely informed her that I appreciated her admiring me at every turn and I gently let her know that I don’t date women. Amazingly, I did not see her again after that.

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8 Responses to “I Have A Fist Boner For You”

  1. Mardy Murray March 22, 2012 at 1:34 PM #

    I just started following you. I think I love you so I’m wicked bummed about the not dating chicks thang!! I thought I was a bad ass ’til today, now I know I am Honey Badger-ette!

  2. Shannon March 8, 2012 at 9:44 AM #

    You’re singin’ my song, Sug.

  3. Mandy Martin March 7, 2012 at 12:49 AM #

    Hey – don’t let Evangelicals get to you. Most of us aren’t like that. I happen to be a sneaky one. LOL. I don’t try to convert anyone. I invite them to church. Not often enough to be a pest. Just every few months or so, and if they emphatically say no, I leave them alone about it. Most that I have invited eventually say yes. Our pastor and church are so awesome, all I have to do it get them there. No sanctimonious self-righteousness, no judgement, no holier-than-thou. Just a group of really nice and loving people. We call ourselves Christ-followers, instead of using Christian. We actually walk the walk. Our congregation is quite the motley one.

    I would have loved to have seen the face of your grocery store stalker when you told her you didn’t date women. LOL.

    • Mandy Martin March 7, 2012 at 12:50 AM #

      And you love and adore me. 🙂

    • Honey Badger Press March 7, 2012 at 8:52 AM #

      That’s all fine. But when someone says, “hey no thanks”, then they should STFU. You know? No means no and shit.

  4. Dribbles and Grits March 7, 2012 at 12:35 AM #

    Oh, and by the way, God is Love. If the bitch ain’t showing love, she’s the devil. Watch out. Do a ROCK sign with the HORNS!! with your hand (you know the fist with the pointer and pinky on viagra) and make a tssss sound to ward off the evil eye!!!!

  5. Dribbles and Grits March 7, 2012 at 12:30 AM #

    OMG It is in the air…

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