Every now and again I get a little note or three from some of the Kittens and they need help! They want a no bullshit answer to a life dilemma and think I am the one to answer. Well I am- because I will not toss rainbow sparkle sprinkles on your head and hand you a unicorn to hug while you listen to my answer. I will not smooth shit over and dip it in chocolate so it tastes better on the way down. Nope- I will call it how I see it. You might get a puckered ass, you might get your feelers hurt and you might even call me a bitch but you will know where I stand and what I think. So remember that you asked me before you go cry, ok? Put on your big girl panties, grab you box of wine, your box of tissues and let’s get down to some lady business.
Why are women fucktarded when it comes to men? I include me in that group. We get some attention and penis and we immediately forget that we count, too. Not just “too”…we count more because we are talking about ourselves and that bitch you see in the mirror should always be your number one priority. She is what matters most, she comes first and her wants and needs are number one on the list. That only took 41 years for me to figure out! I have changed a couple of things in the letters and combined like issues to protect the not so innocent and their weiner whipped identities.
If He Wanted To, He Would
I’ve been dating this guy on and off for 3 years now, and although I know I should’ve walked away many times, I’ve always kept working at our relationship, even though it’s not always been the easiest thing to do. He has been completely ignoring me, my phone calls and my texts. He promised to spend time with me tonight, but went to see a movie with his friend. We don’t go out anymore and when we do spend time together, he is rarely affectionate to me. Lately, we go weeks and months without sex. I try to start it and he shoots me down with “I’m tired”, “I’m sore from working out” and an entire list of reasons he can’t make love. I feel like I have a room-mate and not a partner. Am I a fucking idiot for putting up with this?
– Frustrated & Horny
First- thank you for being a fan. You are important to me! Second- I apologize for the delay in my response. I needed to think on this to make sure my initial response matched my well -thought- out -pondered -response. Because you are important to me! Third- You are not an idiot ( I don’t talk to those). What I think you are is a woman who would like her man to be the guy she thought he was…and he is majorly failing. You wrote me, so you know I will give you a no bullshit piece of my mind , and I am going to do that because you are important to me. Noticing a theme here??? I live by a rule that can be applied to any personal relationship. It’s simple. If they wanted to, they would. Now let’s rip that band aid off and dry out that love wound.
If he wanted to spend time with you- he would. If he wanted to go out on a date with YOU- he would. If he wanted to change/improve your relationship- he would. If he wanted to have naked sexy time with you- he would. Boys like to stick their penises in girls and they will happily do it- if they want to. Imma call bullshit on him for you- he’s either not that into you and/or he’s into someone else. Good riddance to him! You deserve better. I know that. You know that. He knows it, too. But you are always around to be his back up and keep him company in his down time- so he’s not going to cut you loose. Who would? It’s nice to have a Plan B at your ready.
Here’s what you do. You go on silent no matter what. You get distance from him. You don’t return calls, texts, emails, share information with friends, etc. You are on lock down. Period. During this time- you heal, you get REALLY busy with what YOU want to do with YOUR friends. YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM. Ever. Ok? He’s gonna get lonely, miss you, beg you, promise you the world, try to give you weiner time, admit he screwed up and blah, blah, who gives a fuck , blah. You have given him 3..threeeee…years of try to fix it. One-thousand-fifty-six days of ‘start overs’ and ‘maybe todays’. Your ‘fix- the- dumbass- calendar’ just ran out of pages. There is no closure talk, no fighting, un friend him from FaceBook , no crying to his friends and none of that Dr Phil let’s talk-and -hug-it-out-fucktardery. Silence says everything you need to say to him. Pack your dignity up and get back to loving you. Got that? You are moving on. He’s had 3 years to get on the plan- you don’t have one more day to convince him how important you are. You know why? Because if he wanted to do anything to show you he cared- HE WOULD! Now you show him how much you care about YOU and move on. From now on, you are so booked up with busy, that he has plenty of time to go see movies with his “friend” and he doesn’t have to hear one more conversation about you needing his time, his penis, him or anything else. Isn’t he lucky that you care so much that you freed him from your needs and desires and any relationship talk ever again? He should send you a present of gratitude. But if he does, you’re gonna send it back. Because you’re too busy to give a fuck.
Burn That Fucker Down
My boyfriend recently moved in me and our four-year old son. The main reason I didn’t want to live with him is because he smokes in the house and constantly falls asleep with a lit cigarette. He promised to stop if we moved in together to be a family. Lately, our apartment smells like smoke and I have been finding burns on my couch, our carpet and some clothes. He caught the blanket on fire last week and I am afraid he’s going to burn the apartment down. He won’t listen and I feel helpless.
– Up In Smoke
Are you kidding me? Sorry to be a raving lunatic but did you read your letter? He broke his promise to you, risks yours and your sons health by subjecting you to second-hand smoke IN the house and essentially tried to kill you both by making a camp fire on your bed. Smokey The Bear would bitch slap you and then call child protective services for an emergency foster placement. If your man was my man , he wouldn’t have to ever worry about dying from lung cancer because I would burn that fucker down to the ground after I kicked his sorry selfish ass out. Pack his grungy smoke stink shit up, put it on the front porch, change the locks and tell him to move back into his Mommy’s basement and the only time you ever want to hear from him again is to get your child support check. If he doesn’t have the sack to at the very least protect the health and wellness of his family then his Man Card is revoked and he is forever in the epic loser category. He’s done. He tried to kill you and your son by being an idiot. I’m not an expert but I hear dying in a fire is not fun. And neither are skin grafts should you survive. That dude does not care and you are just as bad and guilty as he is if you do not remove your son from that situation NOW. RIGHT NOW. When it comes to your kid, you don’t get to involve your lady part love feelings and you don’t get to be number one anymore. That baby is number one and everything and everyone else can get in line behind him. Did you start packing that losers shit yet?
I have one more letter but it’s going to wait for next week. It’s about a cheater. I am an expert in that bullshit and no one is going to like what I have to say about it. It will require you to grow a pair and take some action. Some big balls action- but if you don’t, or won’t- then I think that you deserve what you get in the cheater realm.
Need some advice? Email me at honeybadgerpress (at) gmail (dot) com
I promise to not be gentle.