If you haven’t read this yet (https://honeybadgerpress.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/maggot-toe-childbirth-part-doh/ ), the you might want to go do that first. Then go grab a bottle of wine and a handful of Xanax because I am going to tell you the truth about being a Mom. If you’re pregnant, well, someone had to break it to you! You are welcome, Kittens. Now start drinking and stop caring or you will not survive.
You will sleep again. No you won’t. Like ever. Insomnia starts before you even have the brat baby. About seven months in, you won’t be able to get comfortable if you’re in a bed , a chair or strapped into some sort of anti gravity bat hanging nonsense. You’ll have indigestion, will have to pee every 10 minutes (or change your panties or sheets) and your boobs are going to be screaming. They are no longer freshly plumped with pregnancy hormones- nope – they are now massive, hard and even the slightest breeze will exact such pain that you maybe consider cutting them off and then making your man eat them because his part is over and you are the one going through the shit storm of hormones, pain and hemorrhoids. All he had to do is find some gay candy cigars to pass out to his buddies. But wait, there’s more epic fun in store for you! Then the baby comes and since you have the milk and “beautiful natural instincts”, guess who gets to get up every 10 minutes to feed/change/make sure the baby is still breathing. Not him- he’s too tired from you giving birth. My daughter is 18 and in college and I still do not sleep. I still worry about if she’s hungry, does she have what she needs and did she make it home last night. Welcome to the zombie zone , ladies. Now you know why I’m always drinking coffee, wine or both.
Speaking of boobs, hopefully you have a few topless pictures of yourself from your college days or that pole dancing job you had until you could get back on your feet. Any moron that tells you the girls will snap back to attention after your dairy supply line shuts down is a damn liar. You will never see those perfect, perky boobies again. After you stop nursing you will have the roundness- it will just be at the end of your droopy utters.You will also have burning, aching and possibly infected nipples and boobage as that milk dries up. On top of that, your head is all screwed up because along with that milk- your pregnancy hormones are escaping and taking your happy mommy feelings with them so rage driven homicidal crazy lady can make her appearance. Do yourself, and us, a favor by instead of asking for a shit ton of baby crap you’ll never use at your shower- just ask for a bunch of Victoria’s Secret gift cards and some booze so you can go buy a bunch of push up bras and be drunk enough to not care that it is now entirely possible for you to trip on your nipples.
Peeing will not be within your control anymore because your abdominal wall has been used as a swimming pool by an inconsiderate baby who used your bladder as a trampoline. You will need to put some thought into an early piss warning system, or at the very least, know where the bathrooms are in every store or home you visit because by the time your brain receives the “I gotta cop a squat” message from your bladder- it’s too late. You are probably already standing in the plant aisle at Home Depot watching a little yellow pool of shame gather around your toes you have been too busy to paint by the time you realize it’s pee time. Again. You still need to carry that extra pair of panties like you have since high school- but not because you might get lucky on a date- it’s because you might sneeze