Super Collider

4 Jan

 You may have heard the news but just in case you didn’t…I’M FREAKIN’ ENGAGED! After nearly two years of epic romance with The Man, he decided to make it legit. I know- how could he possibly want to sign a forever promise with a crazy bitch like me? There is so much to do because we are getting married in 30 days, Kittens.  Three. Zero. Carrie, The Girl, Marianne and I are in the throes of insane wedding planning. Think fuchsia, leopard and black skull and cross bones- it will be a fabulous honey badger production for sure! There are lots of firsts with this engagement (I may have been engaged four other times and married two). I have never registered, never had all of my friends at my weddings, never had a proper surprise proposal and never an engagement ring. I know the ring is a huge deal but what I didn’t expect is the weirdness that people puke up when they actually see the ring.

The Man is a class act. Always wanting me to feel special, loved and appreciated. Like a queen -and  by all means- I am okay with that arrangement. Never one to skip on the details, he finds what he initially thinks is a perfectly me ring. A pink one that glittered and mesmerized. It was a bit too big and we could just imagine it getting lost in some ones plate of food at work so we took it to get it sized. And then he saw it- a more perfect ring. One that matched all of my jewelry and his Mom’s charm bracelet he had given to me for Christmas and one that was perfectly honey badger. Usually you don’t trade up your ring until ten years into the marriage but one day later he insisted. Who am I to tell The Man no?

 Off we go to tell every one we are engaged…most people  know what that means , right? If we were to show up on your door step and announce, “we’re engaged!”, you would pretty much assume we mean to each other and wouldn’t look at me and ask, “to who?”, would you? Some one did and at first I was thinking she must be tired or maybe didn’t understand us. Maybe we mistakenly said it in Swahili. We look at her and point to each other with a big  “well duh!” look. Then the conversation goes from bad to nuclear in less time Nordstrom’s takes to debit my credit card for a new pair of shoes.

 “Aren’t you afraid to get married AGAIN?” she says to me.

“Um, no. We’re quite happy about it.”

“But you’ve done it so many times.”

Scowly face and 3…2….1….BLAST OFF!

“Well, how many times have you been married?”, I ask knowing the answer is four.

Uncomfortable pause followed by a how dare you ask me that question you know one was a cross dresser and we don’t count him WTF look.

“Well….three” she says, “one of which I wish didn’t happen”.

I look at her husband and ask him if he was aware of all of this and that she regrets her marriage to him. I can only assume she meant him since he is number four and because bitch wanted to jump stupid so she sorta had it coming. He laughed and said, “like wise”. I guess I won that round because she proceeded to the ring, which wasn’t on my hand because it too needed to get sized and all I had was a picture on my cell phone to show her. So I proudly extend my hand to show off my shiny new trinket and secretly visualized me pimp checking her with it and then…

“Is that real? Where did you get it? What brand is it?”

Rude. Fucking rude. Seriously, I don’t care if it looks like it  came out of a bubble gum machine- never ever ask such pissy questions. “He  bought it off of a man in the alley behind 7-11. It’s called a Super Collider and it’s as real as the black eye rude people will get for trying to piss on our happy parade”. I’m guessing we shouldn’t look forward to her RSVP or gift. Maybe just a restraining order.

6 Responses to “Super Collider”

  1. Stef January 5, 2012 at 9:17 AM #

    Congratulations on your engagement!…and to hell with anyone who has the nutz to rain on your happy parade. I recently got engaged and some strange ass reactions (not always from women either) have come out of the wood work. I mean who in their right mind can pass judgement…. It’s a wonderful thing. Try to paste on a smile for me bitch! Best wishes on planning your wedding in 30 days…. your insane! It’s possible to do…. but your insane or will be by the time your wedding comes!

  2. AmandaAbsolutely January 4, 2012 at 5:06 AM #

    I am right there with Christina and ready to fucking kick her vagina up to her throat and then punch it back down again. Who the FUCK does she think she is? Obviously a petty, jealous, can’t stand to see anyone happy C-monster. You know what? She does not exist in OUR universe any longer.

    Those of us who are truly your friends and love you are deliriously happy for you and The Man. I literally got all happy teared-up for you two, squealing and laughing and all that shit you do when two people who obviously are made for each other decide to publicly and legally declare their devotion, love and happy endings…. er…. um… I mean happily ever after. 😉

    • Honey Badger Press January 4, 2012 at 9:51 AM #

      Haaaa Mandy! Happy endings—you make me laugh always!

      • AmandaAbsolutely January 4, 2012 at 12:12 PM #

        Happy to oblige. LOL

  3. christina January 4, 2012 at 1:45 AM #

    Oh.He’ll no she didn’t. How bout a old fashion Ho Down bitch slap for the bitch with the rotten attitude! Furthermore Rude ain’t the word for her Obnoxious ring bashing. Want me to light her up like the forth of july so you can continue your happy parade in style? Besides I see# 5 sin her near future. I would be happy to send her a sympathy card for the death of a friend ship! HATER!” Tampioliefaberorosis” Disapear Miss Misery! !!Im not done and anothing fuck With my little sister and all my pent up shit will spew out like he’ll!

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