More Lies From Mommyland

11 Aug

If you haven’t read this yet (https://honeybadgerpress.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/maggot-toe-childbirth-part-doh/  ), the you might want to go do that first. Then go grab a bottle of wine and a handful of Xanax because I am going to tell you the truth about being a Mom. If you’re pregnant, well, someone had to break it to you! You are welcome, Kittens. Now start drinking and stop caring or you will not survive.

Funny Family Ecard: I want you in the delivery room as much as I would like to see a raging case of syphilis ooze from your special places.Men in the delivery room is a bad , bad idea. Oh but we want to bond you say, feel close and experience something special together. How in the fuck do you think your swollen pregnant ass got to the delivery room in the first place? I think anyone that has never pushed a screaming gooey watermelon baby out of their special places should be banned from the delivery room. Here’s why- they have zero clue on how much birth is going to hurt, that your body will involuntarily do unmentionable things while your legs are splayed wide open with everyone looking into your hoo-ha. You will fart, poop and throw up. Possibly all at once. Aside from seeing all of that, your man will see your sugar walls expand enough to swallow Japan and Godzilla in one bite and expel a giant liver looking placenta and all of the ooze that goes with it. And if that isn’t bad enough, he is likely to mutter these dumb ass words, “Does it really hurt that much?” while you are screaming your head off because not only are you feeling a 8 pound thing pushing out of your ass- it also feels like your spine is making an unannounced exit  and it is taking your heart, lungs and sanity with it.Ask your girlfriend, your sister or any other woman to be there with you. One who will speak up for you, kick some ass , know when to shut the hell up and plot your husband’s/boyfriend’s/sperm donor’s death because all you wanted nine months ago was a back rub and what you got was essentially a new butt hole torn open for you and it’s all his mother fucking fault you are on your back and in labor right now anyway.

Funny Get Well Ecard: How many Nyquil-Xanax-whiskey totties do I have to drink so I can slip into a coma until that screaming baby turns eighteen? You will sleep again. No you won’t. Like ever. Insomnia starts before you even have the brat baby. About seven months in, you won’t be able to get comfortable if you’re in a bed , a chair or strapped into some sort of anti gravity bat hanging nonsense. You’ll have indigestion, will have to pee every 10 minutes (or change your panties or sheets) and your boobs are going to be screaming. They are no longer freshly plumped with pregnancy hormones- nope – they are now massive, hard and even the slightest breeze will exact such pain that you maybe consider cutting them off and then making your man eat them because his part is over and you are the one going through the shit storm of hormones, pain and hemorrhoids and all he has to do is find some gay candy cigars to pass out to his buddies. But wait, there’s more epic fun in store for you! Then the baby comes and since you have the milk and “beautiful natural instincts”, guess who gets to get up every 10 minutes to feed/change/make sure the baby is still breathing. Not him- he’s too tired from you giving birth. My daughter is 18 and in college and I still do not sleep. I still worry about if she’s hungry, does she have what she needs and did she make it home last night. Welcome to the zombie zone , ladies. Now you know why I’m always drinking coffee, wine or both.

Funny Flirting Ecard: Touch my boob again and that stick will be making sweet love to your ass tonight.

 Speaking of boobs, hopefully you have a few topless pictures of yourself from your college days or that pole dancing job you had until you could get back on your feet. Any moron that tells you the girls will snap back to attention after your dairy supply line shuts down is a damn liar. You will never see those perfect, perky boobies again.  After you stop nursing you will have the roundness- it will just be at the end of your droopy utters.You will also have burning, aching and possibly infected nipples and boobage as that milk dries up. On top of that, your head is all screwed up because along with that milk- your pregnancy hormones are escaping and taking your happy mommy feelings with them so rage driven homicidal crazy lady can make her appearance. Do yourself, and us, a favor by instead of asking for a shit ton of baby crap you’ll never use at your shower- just ask for a bunch of Victoria’s Secret gift cards and some booze so you can go buy a bunch of push up bras and be drunk enough to not care that it is now entirely possible for you to trip on your nipples.

Funny Sympathy Ecard: Next time you LOL could you maybe not piss on my new shoes? Peeing will not be within your control anymore because your abdominal wall has been used as a swimming pool by an inconsiderate baby who used your bladder as a trampoline. You will need to put some thought into an early piss warning system, or at the  very least, know where the bathrooms are in every store or home you visit because by the time your brain receives the “I gotta cop a squat” message from your bladder- it’s too late. You are probably already standing in the plant aisle at Home Depot watching a little yellow pool of shame gather around your toes you have been too busy to paint by the time you realize it’s pee time. Again. You still need to carry that extra pair of panties like you have since high school- but not because you might get lucky on a date- it’s because you might sneeze.

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12 Responses to “More Lies From Mommyland”

  1. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot September 4, 2011 at 2:45 PM #

    Thanks, Lemon Drops!!! I bet you don't have any more kids after this hehehe

  2. Lemon Drops September 4, 2011 at 4:06 AM #

    Love this! I'm sharing ASAP! =)

  3. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot September 1, 2011 at 6:45 PM #

    Pin Wheel- First I am happy to set your sperm donor on fire for treating you badly. Second, I just pissed myself @ “crotch fruit”!. Welcome!

  4. pinwheelsandpoppies September 1, 2011 at 6:28 PM #

    Word on the peeing part. I think that's the worst side-effect of popping out crotch fruit.

    I had my sperm donor in the delivery room, and it was actually helpful, because I think it was the only time we were together that he wasn't insulting me and calling me weak and pathetic.
    He was impressed. I was rockin' that natural birth, yo! ( Well, at least for the first 18 hours anyway, then I couldn't stand it anymore)

    As for the boobs part, mine are freakishly large, and haven't been perky since I was 13. *sigh*

  5. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot September 1, 2011 at 1:28 PM #

    Thanks Daisy! Isn't that amazing that no one tells you this stuff? Because in the middle of a contraction and in excrutiating crazy evil pain is precisely when I want to find out I will deliver a poop in front of everyone.

  6. Daisy September 1, 2011 at 1:18 PM #

    I have shared this with all the want to be mothers I know it'll make them think twice…..now excuse me I have to go pee.

  7. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot September 1, 2011 at 1:13 PM #

    Oh my Bungalow- you had me at pimp! LOL- I sorta am – this is all part of my master plabn muhahahahaha!

  8. fromthebungalow September 1, 2011 at 12:38 PM #

    Cat, sometimes I think you should compile all the informational/instructional posts like this to make an underground instruction manual. It's like swallowing the red pill and finally seeing reality. This is the kinda sh*t that makes me want to pimp you out.

  9. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot September 1, 2011 at 1:01 AM #

    I guess ignorance is bliss…or piss! Thanks for reading & commenting 🙂

  10. Anonymous September 1, 2011 at 12:56 AM #

    I tried telling all this to a friend of mine when she was pregnant, albeit not in so poetic of terms, and she didn't believe me. Heh, she now has suitcases under her eyes and I have seen her cross her legs when she has a sudden sneeze fit. Of course, I am too nice to giggle at her…until I am out of earshot.

  11. ilikebeerandbabies August 11, 2011 at 1:54 PM #

    You can't write funny stuff like this. You know it will make all of us mommies tinkle in our panties.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

  12. Anonymous August 11, 2011 at 6:39 AM #

    Every one of these is so true! Wish I had known it BEFORE I had a kid!

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