I am the proud owner of the world’s lowest pain tolerance, and subsequently, ability to forget it. Any pain. If I have a hang nail I will cry but yank it off anyway. I know I shouldn’t do this because the end result is almost always me ripping off a little strip of skin from my nail bed to my arm pit, no matter how quickly and stealthy I try to pull it up and out. Causing myself even more pain and possibly a staff infection. So you can imagine when I dismount from my platform bed, get my tiny baby toe caught in the frame and sail into the wall head first (baby toe still firmly lodged in the Ikea bed frame) , that I might scream bloody fucking murder and prompt the neighbors to call 911 since I am losing my mind from seeing my once lovely and pedicured toe bent away from my foot in a perfect right angle. Great, THAT’S what it takes for me to remember Geometry? Still screaming, very loudly, and possibly making up new cuss words because I already used the standard set after I looked down to see my mangled toe and try to release it from my bed without the aid of the jaws of life or a blow torch.
|5″ pointy toed oh so sexy pink
patent Guess stilettos
After I have released my “toe” from the shit factory lady killing Ikea bed, I survey the damage. My toe is perpendicular to my foot and it is now gushing blood from underneath because I sliced it on some craptastic piece of hardware that I probably didn’t completely screw in. I have an 8 AM meeting and this tragic pedi-disaster has eaten up my get gorgeous time. Now normally I would just grab an outfit and limp my ass to the meeting. But of course the day this all happened, I had a planned outfit that included the début of a fabulous new pair of heels. My hooker parade is on the brink of cancellation because my toe is swelling! I tape broken toe to the next one with a Band Aid, hop on one foot to my closet, grab the right shoe, bend my toe back to how nature intended it, shove my foot (mother fucking ouch) in and proceed to take a shower with my right leg out. I figure it’s a win-win! My toe is being held in position and I get to wear my new shoes! The pressure from the shoe is sure to stop the bleeding, swelling ,and most importantly, the pain. Right?
|I hate you back, Maggot Toe!|