Turbo Bitch

13 Jun
I had another topic to bitch about today – something pretty hilarious I think- but then I saw a Face Book post by a friend and OMFG my head popped off. Instantly. Seriously. You know being on Team Lady Bits is mostly fun- but it is shitastic in regards to the amount of bullshit we have to filter out on how we are supposed to look. I am absolutely on board with treating myself to extra special salon time to make sure my hair, skin, nails and toes are pretty and perfect. I have even thought about a boob job. Yes, a boob job. Not giant, over the top, where can I possibly find a shirt to cover these boobs- boob job. Just to restore mine to their before I was 25, I can wear any cute shirt, go braless, suck it gravity fabulousness.
No, hooker.
Double no.
Yes. Yes, please!
I am also almost 40 and would like to think I have the mental and psychological capacity to make such a decision and not really fuck myself up (more) in the head and heart.  I like to look at a hot woman as much as the next guy. Seriously, we’re pretty to look at but boys, not so much. Straight up and down. And hairy like a chimp. Ladies are curvy, soft and pretty. We usually smell better, too. I don’t stare at Victoria’s Secrets models and wonder how I can starve myself enough to look like them. I live out here in reality where nothing and nobody is perfect and we all don’t have a dude with Photo Shop and an air brush following us around to correct anything that looks like a flaw to all of the judgemental asswipes out there. I don’t aspire to be Barbie either- because if she were life sized she would topple over and no one likes the klutz girl who trips and plants face every step. We would all giggle at her but probably wouldn’t invite her to happy hour. She also wouldn’t be able to walk because her legs would be impossibly skinny. Think flamingo except with a blonde weave and ginormous boobs. I would definitely NEVER promote this look to my daughter or make it something she should aspire to. Ready for your instant WTF moment ?

Click here and prepare to turn into Turbo Bitch

Are you off of the floor yet? Seriously? Who gives that to their 7-year-old daughter? Because living with that freak job of a crazy woman as your mother isn’t enough- now she wants to make you a frankenbarbie, too? How about a puppy. Let’s start with that. Maybe some books and – I don’t know- some girly shoes, a journal and a pack of glitter pens to write about her little girl dreams and memories. Something pretty to show her therapist when she is 15 so they can figure out why she is promiscuous, has no self-confidence and is generally suicidal and broken. No gold stars for you , I still can’t believe this story is true.
Seriously?
I can totally speak to this. It took me years and about two new Cadillacs worth of cash in therapy sessions to get here. To this place on my map where I am ok with me. My success in unfuckingupmyhead is proven everyday when I go home and flit around in a tank top and underwear with all of my imperfectness for The Man to see. And anyone else who might see through a window. Growing up , there always seemed to be some T&A movie on the television- Porky’s and that sort of “entertainment”. I spent about 30 years thinking I was supposed to be perfectly shaped, have impossibly unnatural breasts, act dumb and be a sex toy.  When I was in middle school, I had some extremely bad memories bubble up to the top of my reality and struggled ever day until decided I would be better off gone. I got a box of  Clairol to ease my pain and persuade me to reconsider. Clairol. When I became a teenager and thought I would find some sort of family and salvation on the high school dance team- I got an eating disorder instead- because I was still not perfect enough and there were 20 other not perfect girls to remind me of that every day at lunch. And it goes on and on and on…
I don’t tell you all of this so you will feel bad for me. I want you to feel motivated to kick the ass of any “mom” you might stumble across like this woman who gave her beautiful, perfect, everything magical baby girl a fucking boob job certificate for her birthday. I seriously got queasy when I read this article. Why is this ok in that woman’s view? If you have a little girl, be gentle and kind to her. Tell her everyday how smart and funny she is. And also let her know she is perfect and beautiful and 100% one of a kind. If you should see any measure of that kind of crazy- some dumb ass broad telling her daughter to be aspire to look like a fucking porn star- say something. It’s tough enough growing up- but growing up imperfect is the toughest judgement to survive.
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6 Responses to “Turbo Bitch”

  1. Amanda Absolutely June 13, 2011 at 10:10 PM #

    @Anonym-ass – The “girl” in the blue bikini is hot and real, oh yeah, AND the author of this blog. Why you would rather look like a plastic piece of shit is beyond my comprehension. Girly bits are supposed to be soft and squishy – not feel and look like bolted on cantaloupes.

  2. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot June 13, 2011 at 9:06 PM #

    Read this
    http://howtoskinnyacat.blogspot.com/2011/05/its-fixation-friday-kittens-meet-my.html
    and you will know why blue bikini girl is someone I aspire to be…

  3. Anonymous June 13, 2011 at 8:51 PM #

    I would rather look like Heidi than the girl in the blue bathing suit.

  4. Anonymous June 13, 2011 at 8:42 PM #

    She named her kid POPPY for f**ks sake…..that should have been the first red flag….that and the fact fact she is British……enough said….

  5. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot June 13, 2011 at 8:26 PM #

    Oh good point. At least she had some sort of parental thought…7 year olds look fake with implants. Plus the monkey bars would be zero fun with stripper boobs..

  6. Heather Reese June 13, 2011 at 8:22 PM #

    OMG…… well…. at least she just gave her hte voucher, and not plastic surgery like that other mom did.

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