Fucktards & Ass Monkeys

9 Jun

I have a lot of colorful and insulting names to pin on people. It delights me to no end when some jack   hole jumps up and down waving his idiot flag in front of me and begging me to administer a verbal beat down to his head. It’s extraordinarily fulfilling to accidentally on purpose let one of these slip out and watch some ass wipes passionate debate screech to a silent halt as they try to figure out

A: Did I just really say that out loud?

B: WTF does that mean?

Jack Hole: A conceited bumbling idiot and the least threatening of all dumb asses. They are a sad excuse for a hybrid. Part jack ass , part ass hole yet 100% useless and fun to punch in the head.

Ass Monkey: This person can’t stand to be wrong, ever have to say “I don’t know” or feel less successful  than someone else. Rather than concede that they don’t know the answer, they will make shit up so they can sound smart, or better yet, smarter than you. Also fun to punch in the head.

Douche Bag: Once near extinction, this species is on the rise thanks to Jersey Shore and The Bachelor. Oh yes, their over inflated egos think they are celebrities because we are all watching them. When we are really just waiting to see the  next epic bitch slap battle they are massacred in so we can point and laugh. They are not intelligent or fast- so you can easily catch them and use them as a pinata. A fake baked, hair jelled , sissy crying pinata. A few short moronic comments and a total epic beat down from being a mother fucker.

Get it? Ass  in a hat!
What are the odds of finding a picture of an ass in a sombrero AFTER I typed the definition?

Ass Hat: This specimen has their head so far up their ass that their butt cheeks now serve as their hat. Or a sombrero if they happen to be in a Mexican food restaurant. Ole’!

Fucktard: Not retarded or genuinely intellectually challenged. They know they are about to say or do something truly stupid- yet precede anyway. They have no sense of self preservation and somehow think they are cute like a bunny while they fuck shit up. Think Anthony Weiner and his epic more entertaining every minute fucktardery. Extra points for the weenie picture.

The only picture of a  cheating MF’er
AND a battle cry all in one.

Mother Fucker: This can be a  modifier or used alone. Either way it will strike fear, shock and awe in the room with a healthy dose of “WTF is she going to do now” facial expressions. As a modifier, it makes any of the above worse by ten times. Because being a mother fucking ass hat is way worse than being just an ass hat. It’s like the cuss word equivalent of a triple word square on a Scrabble board. Use wisely and sparingly…unless you are using it as a battle cry. Then you can say it a lot, because it’s funny and makes people uneasy and judgemental.

Now let us use them in a narrative…

Word is out that I am exiting the working world and striking out on my own to try to scratch out a living. While I am totally and spastically excited about the adventures I have set up for Team Me, some are not. This jack hole stopped by to ask me why I was leaving and if I thought it was a good idea. Now I would like to just point out that I would not quit my job AND give up health insurance AND a never ending supply of pink Post Its if I didn’t think I could support myself and my office supply addiction. Now this guy is a card carrying douche bag: slick hair, pressed frat boy clothes and genuinely thinks the ladies wet their panties when he cruises by. In reality, we all throw up a little and pretend to not speak English when he stops in to tell us how fabulous he is. No comprende, ass hat! He asks me what I am going to do and I tell him I am going to chillax for a month with The Man, go kick some real estate ass and follow my writing dreams. And you know what that fucktard said? He asks me if I can handle all of that on my own since I am just an Office Manager. Uh oh. So the ass monkey nods, smiles and then proceeds to try to trump me by letting me know he is leaving shortly also. To go live in his $700,000 lake house in a city somewhere in Michigan he can’t recall right now and publish his paper in some made up scientific journal that is printed on space cadet island. Really mother fucker? Did you just say I am “just” an anything and then move on to tell me how much smarter and better you are than me? That is so awesome. I bet your Manager will agree that you are super smart also when he reads the email I just sent to him letting him know that you intend to resign.
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4 Responses to “Fucktards & Ass Monkeys”

  1. Carrie June 9, 2011 at 4:32 PM #

    I love this post. Love. This. Post. You had me laughing out loud on a day when I really have nothing to laugh about, my friend. xoxo

  2. Anonymous June 9, 2011 at 1:42 PM #

    Wow. I would have to say that this is my ultimate favorite post.

    I am not afraid to break out a couple names here and there, but this is genius. Thank you!

    I think I may print this off just for a friendly reminder of all the great ways to bring people down to my level.

  3. Anonymous June 9, 2011 at 5:55 AM #

    !fucktabulosis ugs

  4. Amanda Absolutely June 9, 2011 at 5:27 AM #

    I love you because you make my potty mouth look like a fucking crystal clear brook babbling in its bed.

    I am known among my friends as the Mother Fucking Queen Bitch Kiss My Ass Cusser but I bow to your shitastic eloquence and expertise.

    I will now be directing my fucktard friends to your blog to prove I am just a lowly, shitty peasant to your fucking Majesty. LOL

    (my word verification is fucking dyslexic evil – denom. LOL)

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