Hi my name is Cat, and I am addicted to coffee. I drink a lot of it. I drink it in the morning, lunch, afternoon and dare I say, before bed. Hope Mr. Man isn’t reading this because I am about to be in trouble. If I go out with Carrie, you can bet after happy hour and me begging her to carry me down the stairs because I can’t navigate them in 4 inch stilettos- there is coffee. Lots of strong Italian coffee. It’s not about being able to walk in said shoes, because I can strut so bad ass in them that Naomi Campbell flys into a jealous rage and throws phones at my head. Well, that’s what would happen if she was rolling with us but our Honey Badger Bus is already full of glitter,crazy and fabulous- so she has not been invited. It’s because after Carrie makes me drink 3 margaritas and a beer, she makes the stairs go all steep and wobbly. And after she makes me scoot down them on my ass I always get a cup of coffee or two. Followed by a time out on the park bench while we heckle the security guard and anyone else in the parking lot. We know the coffee has done its job once we don’t think we are funny anymore. And now I will have my Carrie pass revoked, again, by Mr. Man. Again.
Because I love the bean so much- I took an epic dive for it this morning at work. At. Work! You see, some ass munch keeps taking the holy grail of free office coffee (that would be Folger’s) up to the second floor. There were pissed people in the kitchen- going all Sparta because we only had Starbuck’s to drink. Bet Folgers wishes they had a camera rolling here today!
I was feeling heroic in my cute heels and spray on tan so I reached into the back of the freezer to pull out my trump coffee card- a bucket of Folger’s- look at me be fabulous fellow cubicle land prairie dogs. Look at me! So there I am, in a cute short khaki skirt, pretty coral sweater and of course, nude high heeled strappy sandals. I was having a moment- Office Manger saves the day AGAIN! So I go to open it- oh smell the coffee my followers – bow down and say thank you. As I am taking the lid off, the fucking bucket squeezes out from under my lady arm pit death grip, bounces off the table and skids across the floor- leaving a trail of wasted coffee and broken caffeine dreams behind it.
Tears , shock and horror all around. I go to grab the shitty Folger’s bucket soft ball dive style and mid skid recall I am wearing a fucking skirt and these nerds awesome IT guys do not need to see my ass or my Hello Kitty panties so I attempt to stop and my fabulous heels. I do not stop. At all. They keep going. Without me. Really universe. REALLY!!!! Epic coffee save denied. On the bright side, I read that coffee reduces your chances of cancer! Holy crap- at the rate I drink coffee I am good for this and my next 10 lives. Hell, I bet if I go rub on you- you will be safe also. So just to be sure- I am going right now to meet my sweet but lethal Puerto Rican Sandra at Starbuck’s to get a venti- non whip -soy-something -cancer blocker. See the sacrifices I make for you guys? I love you like I love coffee!