I have made no secret that I am vain. I may not be a size 10 but that is no excuse for me to not keep myself solidly in the high maintenance category. I am not insulted. In fact- if you were to call me high maintenance I would say thank you for noticing. It’s work people. Hard expensive work. It takes time and a budgetary ballet to pull it all off. So today, Kittens, someone in bad too small stretch pants and sporting a mop of wiry greasy gray hair dared provoke me and got to see the claws (well manicured-of course). Oh yes, I believe somewhere in this office area is a quivering Stretchapotumous sniffling about and licking her wounds.
Onto the office. I received compliments today…”You’re looking great, Cat”, “Are you losing weight?”, “Your hair looks great”…yeah for me! A parade of sunshine and epic high fives. Oh yes, who’s strutting on her very own personal cat walk humming Paralyzer this morning? This girl is! Oh what a glorious fucking Monday of all days! Are you people high? Know what- I don’t care if you are- just follow me around today and call me fabulous and stuff. I can handle it, no really! Honey Badger doesn’t give a care today- because I am fantabulous!
Back to our dear friend, Stretchapotumous. So there I am in the kitchen getting my 4th cup of coffee and chatting with four other office people and Stretchapotumous . Someone commented on my tan- and how it looks really nice. Oh thank you Someone, thank you for noticing. And then Stretchapotumous, “Is that a REAL tan?”. Oh dear God- she said that out loud and by the look of Someone and the other people- it registered to my face faster than jalapenos can make a white man crap his pants. “Nope- it’s a spray tan. I love it. Love. It. All of the fun and none of the cancer”. Laugh out louds all around! You see, I am not embarrassed that my tan is sprayed on- because I totally love the color and that I will not look like old shoe leather when I am 40. Oh snap- did I just finally mention something positive about turning 40? Hallelujah and yeah fucking me!! A break through!! And then Stretchapotumous says with a hint of vinegar and mostly piss, “Well, it must be nice to be so pampered”. And so I count 1, 2, 3… fuck it. You know what Stretchapotumous – it is fucking nice and here’s why you mean little troll.
I like being pretty.I am not what I would call a stunner and I may be fat but I am pretty. You can call me conceited if you like but I wear that as a badge, too , Ass Hat! A fucking badge of honor. Know why? Because looking like a confident woman is awesome. BEING a hot confident woman is epic. And that means I have to pamper myself to bridge the gap between “eh” and pretty. Yeah- it’s my job as a member of Team Lady Bits to take care of me and make sure I am pampered. That makes me a better, nicer, more sparkly version of me.