Well, At Least I’m Not Pregnant

10 May

I had this fabulous intention to write a Mother’s Day entry Sunday. To celebrate a few great mom’s I know (Ugs, Bugs, Gator & Bear) but then I stepped on the scale. Major shit attack. Hysteria ensued, I stopped breathing and if I had clothes on – I maybe would have let myself pass out in hopes I would knock myself into a fucking coma and wake up 60 lbs. lighter and with super long Barbie hair. But alas, after the soul killing news the scale gave me, it is more likely I would have been all sprawled out on the closet floor with a black eye, a missing tooth and broken arm. Naked. For The Man to discover. Sexy. So I had a little cry (read:  silent, blood curdling bitch fit) and kicked the scale. Just as an aside: the scale does not care when one kicks it- it does however- ensure your perfectly pink new pedicure is chipped. Since I don’t have Opi’s Hot In My Cabana at home- I was pushed further off of the WTF cliff. The fucking scale calls me a fat pig AND I have a ghetto pedicure. Mother’s Day was awesome!

“For reallies? I have to write about this?”

I am plus 9 pounds- moving me back up to 220. Now I could cry or I could just go ahead and call an official Come to Jeebus Meeting and see what all of this fuckedupedness (thank you for that word, BFF Carrie) is about. As it turns out- it is all my fault- shocker, I know! I have not been true to my mission or to me. So, the meeting is officially in session and let the butt hurts begin. And no crying, it’s not like the Pope came and stole all of my stilettos. Just my ass is a little bigger. At least my feet didn’t gain weight. And I’m not pregnant. See, shining fucking silver lining in everything. Yippee.

1. I have been eating chicken. And tuna. Seems restaurants thinks a shit ton of cheese is an acceptable meat substitute. So I figure a little chicken or fish is way better than eating a 3 pound glob of melted franken-cheese that is likely hiding all kinds of weird hormones and rocket fuel. Don’t believe rocket fuel is in the cheese? Go read this . I may have had some cow. No pork though, because it gives me night mares. No really, like spring out of bed, scream my head off and piss myself nightmares. Don’t know why that happens but it is an excellent deterrent. If only all of the other farm animals made me wig out- well I guess I wouldn’t have anything to blog about. Except my shitty days and generally craptastic experiences. I digress (I always wanted to say digress- sounds fancy- so there I said it. Golf clap). At any rate- back to NO MEAT. Period. If I must- I will make an exception for fish. Nothing from the land. That is all.

2. It’s possible I have been so happy at happy hours- that I have eaten way too many chips, drank too much queso and perhaps have learned that just because margaritas have plant juice in them- does not make them a healthy salad.

3. I started drinking soda again. Soda hates me and my hips. I hate you back soda- for reallies this time.

4. I have not taken my ass out on a walk for a week or two. I started up again last night. The Girl and I walked 5 miles. Five. I spent most of the walk near cardiac arrest but I made it. I shall repeat this tonight.

5. I have to break up with Starbuck’s. It was a lovely affair and I will miss the most delicious icy cold frappaccinos. But all good things come to an end or they will go to my end.

6. The next time I am tempted- I will ask myself, “Do I love this food more than I love being a size 10?”. That answer will always be a resounding no followed by me sprinting away. Ok, not sprinting away- I don’t sprint. I will walk quickly- like I see a 80% off Coach bags sign ahead.

Come to Jesus meeting is adjourned. Nothing like a little honesty to make me feel all ass hurt- but it had to happen. Here’s to a happy weigh in on Monday. Speaking of weigh ins- I look forward to telling you about my Dr’s. appointment I had yesterday. Oh yeah- God hates women for sure!
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8 Responses to “Well, At Least I’m Not Pregnant”

  1. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot May 31, 2011 at 7:12 PM #

    Amanda you got that right! Seems the pound to enjoyment exchange is wonky. And not in a good way!

  2. Amanda Absolutely May 24, 2011 at 10:02 PM #

    It has been my experience that there is a great disparity on how you lose and gain weight.

    For example:

    I have to give up 100 double dip Chocolate Trash real ice cream cones (real as in made with milk, cream, sugar, etc.) from Brewster's to lose 1 pound. If I eat one sinfully, decadent and scrumptious aforementioned cone, I gain 5. Seriously, WTF?!?!?

    I have to go now. Brewster's closes soon.

  3. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot May 11, 2011 at 3:46 PM #

    Isn't it insane? The little time you spend working on yourself gets all eaten up and spit back on your hips the minute you start doing things for the kids? That is a perfect example of fuckedupetness.

    I will check out that diet book- thanks for that tip. Hope you follow me and keep chiming in! We're on Team Lady Bits together- maybe we can help each other get to the goal and be fabulous 🙂

  4. troismommy May 11, 2011 at 3:42 PM #

    Weight loss is such a tricky business. I had been doing really well until the kids' spring break and couldn't get to the gym, and took them out to eat too often. I never quite got back on the wagon, and then I weighed myself and there I was – up to almost as much as I was when I started trying to lose. So disheartening. Back to the grindstone.

    I'm reading something called the New ME diet that is supposed to help your metabolism. It suggests lots of lean proteins, including protein smoothies.

    Good luck! I really enjoy the tone of your blog!! (I'm here via Single Dad Laughing)
    ~Genevieve

  5. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot May 11, 2011 at 1:52 PM #

    No meat with feet. I like that! I am selfishly not eating meat so I can be skinny. Haven't much considered the environmental issues. Sigh- I just want to be a size 10 again…dead planet or not. Thanks for visiting , I hope you will follow me and chime in. P.S. I so love SDL!!!

  6. Anonymous May 11, 2011 at 1:38 PM #

    One of my coworkers drops weight and keeps it off. Her rule is: No Meat with Feet.

    Then she can get fish proteins and those Omega-3s without “causing all that destruction to the environment.”

    I know, I know, I haven't had the heart to tell her about destructive aquaculture, yet. 🙂

    PS: Here from SingleDadLaughing.

  7. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot May 11, 2011 at 2:52 AM #

    Why buy fat…I have it. Guess I could try to push myself around in a wagon? LOL

  8. Anonymous May 11, 2011 at 1:23 AM #

    You need to buy a little red wagon, buy 70 pounds of fat and pull it around the neighborhood (Like opra) for a month, the more it smells the faster ya go! Your welcome 😉 You will never eat meat again! UGS

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