No Refunds. No Apologies. No Pants.

3 May
I’m pretty amazed that there are 600+ of you that check in to stalk read about what I have to babble about day to day. A few of you comment, but a lot of you email me and ask questions. Questions are ok- but the same questions x 100 makes my Tylenol PM wear off before noon. This is especially bad on a Sunday here in the great country of Texas. You see, Texas loves church- and until church lets out at noon, I can’t go buy wine. Which is odd- because some churches give you wine at 9 in the morning. And a cookie. Maybe church isn’t so bad.
Most of you are women, which is awesome, because it’s Boobies against Sticks everyday out in the real world and we have to band together. Sticks should continue to read,  because they will probably learn a little about the Boobies here that will save their asses from a murderous PMS fueled rage one day. You’re welcome. Lots of you want to know more about me: do I have regrets, am I married, why no pictures of The Girl, why do I over share, what is a “crabbit”, do I have siblings, where do I live and so on. So here it is, Interweb, the skinny on Cat.

1. My favorite job ever was when I was a short order cook. I rocked at that. Also- every time I drive by that place, I giggle. One night I was cleaning the vent hood  and melted my dance team shoes to the grill. Wonder if they can still taste 18-year-old drill team feet on the burgers.

2. I’m a Leo, which makes me these things: bossy, patronizing, egotistical, pompous, dogmatic, pushy, materialistic , over-dramatic, argumentative, possessive, jealous, voracious, arrogant  and intolerant. It also makes me these things: funloving ,dignified, passionate, affectionate, ardent, loyal, strong, independent, noble, magnetic , powerful, creative, protective, adoring , playful, inventive, generous, supportive, warm, broad-minded and faithful.

3. If you break my heart, you will only do it once.
4. I feel robbed that I didn’t have my Father in my life. I think a lot about him lately and wish I had known him enough to form my own opinions and save my own memories of him. As it stands, my only memory of him is from his funeral.
5. Ditto for not knowing my Aunts, Grand Parents, Cousins, Uncles and so on
6. I started blogging for therapy and because of #2 and because I need the planet to pay attention to my weight loss and pressure me to keep my lbs. truth in check. Can it get ugly here on my blog- indeed. But life is about the messy stuff more than it is about the easy stuff. At least you nut cases out there will know you are not alone.
7.  I totally relate to the characters Ree in Winter’s Bone and Elle Woods in Legally Blonde.
8.  The Girl’s cat is really a crabbit. His front looks like a cat, his back parts look like a rabbit and he acts like a dog. The equivalent of a platypus in the house pet world.
9.  I like gross stuff, a lot! I love to watch anything about surgery, hoarders, weird disorders, gross health stuff, fart jokes and so on. This is why The Man refuses to show me how to record TLC & Discovery shows on the TiVo. But I can’t stand to see an animal squished on the side of the road. Makes me cry.
10. I think I am OCD- “Organized in Case of Disaster”. My shoes are lined up like little soldiers, my underwear drawer is sectioned off by type and color and my pantry has all of the cans turned forward. I know where my shit is at all times just in case Glenn Beck is right- and the world is about to end. Or we are invaded by zombies. I know where my gun is and I can easily find the right ensemble, survivor food and stilettos in case either of those happen.
11. The world should take note: if anyone dare hurt The Girl- I will have zero problem with ripping your head off with my bare hands. Zero issue with going to jail for avenging her. And there is zero chance you will ever be heard from, seen again or found.
12. I don’t like opera, rap or The Beatles. I’ll pretty much listen to everything else at least once.
13. I love the Constitution, this country and the NRA. In that order.
14. I’m not religious in the churchy sense but if you are- I will listen to you. If you try to baptize me- good luck with that- I’ve been dunked in the church three times and it still hasn’t stuck. So let’s make a deal- I will respect your thoughts & beliefs but if you don’t show me the same courtesy , I will set you on fire. Or blog about you. And use your real name. You have been warned.
15. I do not ever post pictures of The Girl or use her name. Too many creeps out there and selfishly, she is all mine. I will give you little glimpses of her- but never will you see her. Plus see #11 ( I really don’t want to go to jail because I am certain the black and white horizontal striped jumpers will make me look  like a rhino-zebra hybrid from the back. Jail or not- this Cat needs to look pretty).
16. My sister calls me “Ugly”, and that is my favorite nickname. Because she loves me, just how I am, and wouldn’t have me any other way. Besides, I have to like it, because that particular sister pretty much has every speck of dirt there is to have on me- and she saw it all first hand. And no way do I want her sharing it. No. Way.
17. My brother is my hero. He knows why and that is all that matters.
18. My other sister is my polar opposite. I never really appreciated that about her, or her, until recently- now I get why she is her and the whys that make her tick. She would take a bullet for me- and has taken quite a few non-literal ones from me. For whatever reason, she still answers her door when I show up and invites me in. Good thing- I would be pretty lost right now without her.  Think Xena Warrior Princess with a brood of kids she will kill for. Scary huh?
19. The Man is the right to all of my wrong and makes me laugh all of the time. Truth be told- he is the perfect balance to my Leo. He’s a retired Air Force guy- and this makes him tip the sexy scale to crazy limits. He’s handsome and has enough trouble making boy left in him to make it impossible for me to be mad at him. He gets that I am high maintenance, pouty, proud, damaged, emotional, crazy, independent and vain. He understands I have a driving need to feel safe, secure and cared for.  He likes me just how I am and exceeds at all of the things a man is and does for a woman. My family should pay him for putting up with me.
20. I have always loved to write. We all have that thing we can say without apology that we are great at- writing is mine. I wish I had some of the things I wrote when I was a kid but privacy in my room or my thoughts wasn’t a luxury I was afforded. Often I would stay up late writing my thoughts, happenings and dreams- then promptly flush them down the toilet before they could be discovered and interrogated.
21. I am currently writing a book about turning 40 and a novel that is biographical fiction (go wrap your head around that). Oh,  and a blog.
22. I have officially let myself off of the hook for any regrets I had, made my apologies to anyone I hurt purposely and buried the long list of child hood hurts and wrongs I lived through.

23. I say what I mean and mean what I say knowing any of you could get butt hurt. But hope you will keep reading.

24. I love shoes, the higher the better. I have well over 100 pair. I need more.
25. Sarcasm is my constant companion.
26. I have about 60 friends. Seven of them I know will help me bury a body and ask no questions. They are my BFF’s and will drop everything, fly from anywhere and bail me out of jail at a moments notice. These are the people who The Girl has on speed dial- because they will do it for her also.
27.  Some things I can’t bring myself to forgive- and I am ok with that.
28. My adult life has gone like this: graduated from HS, got married, had The Girl, got divorced, work & school, school & work, married, divorced, freak out because The Girl is now 18 and going on to college, moved in with The Man, about to move out of the city I have lived in for the past 33 years and now writing. Nope- no stress causing life events here. It’s all been perfectly peachy with a dash of Jack Daniel’s. Shaken. And not gently.
29. A soon as I walk in the door- I take of my pants/skirt/shorts. At home, my standard operating outfit is a tank top and panties. Sorry neighbors (shouldn’t be looking through my windows anyway…pervs).
30. I am addicted to coffee and that’s ok with me.
31. My biggest brightest accomplishment in my life is The Girl. She is the one thing I can wholly say is mine, I made her, I raised her, I love her. She’s mine and is the most glorious, wonderful, funny beautiful woman I will ever set eyes on.

Want to keep up with me during the day? Join me on FaceBook ….I know I know, shameless self promotion. See #2  and file that away under  “I told you so”.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/How-To-Skinny-A-Cat/183192321725639

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2 Responses to “No Refunds. No Apologies. No Pants.”

  1. howtoskinnyacat @ blogspot May 3, 2011 at 9:30 PM #

    Aaaww, thank you Mandy! Glad you read along and laugh with and at me. Life is too short not to puke it up and share it with the world!

  2. Mandy May 3, 2011 at 9:04 PM #

    I am so envious of your literary eloquence! I rarely read blogs and yours has just moved into the number one spot of the two blogs I do read. 🙂

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